Archive - ASS News

MLB Sets Game To Be Played At Iconic Ballpark From 2011 Film "Moneyball"

Initiative to re-create Coliseum is underway

Aug 21 • AJ Alkire

Seedy Vibe Takes Over Watch Party as Sports Broadcast Lingers On Young Woman

For twenty-three uninterrupted seconds

Aug 19 • AJ Alkire

July 2026

“He’s Obviously Joking” Says Man As President Trump Points Gun At Your Face

“Oh my god, you actually think he’s serious?!”

Jul 28 • AJ Alkire

Amid Cyclospora Outbreak, Taylor Farms Sends Company-Wide Memo Banning Congratulatory Ass Slaps

The customary gesture is now retired

Jul 22 • AJ Alkire

The Odyssey Available In Kurt-Vision Format; Includes Original Animated Character ‘Kurt’ in Bottom Corner

The fun-loving character was created by Christopher Nolan himself!

Jul 15 • AJ Alkire

U.S. Senate Adopts New “Work-From-Deathbed” Policy

Out: WFH, In: WFD

Jul 8 • AJ Alkire

Exclusive: Taylor Swift Uses Wedding Vows to Tease New Album

Swifties rejoice!

Jul 4 • AJ Alkire

Awww: Babies Born On Fourth of July 2026 To Receive Commemorative “America 250” Tattoo

Let freedom sting!

Jul 3 • AJ Alkire

Ally Does Conversion Therapy "The Other Way" For Pride Month

And he's just returned from his trip.

Jul 1 • AJ Alkire

April 2026

ASS NEWSLETTER (#1): Is Trump Going to Hell???

Play pious games, win pious prizes

Apr 2 • AJ Alkire

At a Loss For Words, Local Man Describes Watching His Wife Give Birth as "Lynchian"

Best day of his life came to a screeching halt

Apr 1 • AJ Alkire

36 Year-Old Adult Rec League Phenom Good Enough to Play With 40 Year-Olds

Welcome to the big leagues

Apr 1 • AJ Alkire

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