You think you can date my daughter? Good luck, pal.
First off, you have to be one special guy to date my daughter. She’s my whole world!
Second, you have to fight and overpower 5 of my finest friends who have mid to elite-tier combat skills.
Think that sounds easy? Yeah, right. Wait til you see these guys.
FRIENDS! ASSEMBLE!
1) Ross Chunt
Bio:
Family friend who once said he’d kill for my children, and I believe him!
Special Skill - Passion:
Ross specializes in hand to hand combat, but what’s really going to give you trouble is the love he has for his friends and their families. Ever spar a man who’s a lover and a fighter? You’re about to.
2) J.C. Penny
Bio:
Friend who has no relation to the famous department store, but refuses to go by his full name (John Calvin) because he’s a staunch atheist.
Special Skill - Stamina & Worldview:
J.C. Penny goes to gym three times per week, giving him the strength and conditioning to go multiple rounds. Plus, his worldview leads him to believe there’s no afterlife so he fights like a man who has everything to lose.
3) Sensei Gutierrez
Bio:
My karate master who taught me everything I know about discipline, honor, and kicking ass.
Special Skill - Psychology:
Sensei Gutierrez is a skilled fighter and spends his weekends honing his psychological prowess by watching YouTube videos of hostage negotiator tactics from the Iraq war. When you’re fighting Sensei Gutierrez, you’re not just fighting with your body, but also with your mind.
4) Stephen Von Michaels
Bio:
Stephen Von Michaels did ROTC in college but unfortunately had to drop out due to chronic shin splints and general fatigue.
Special Skill - Heart of a Warrior:
Five weeks of ROTC is all Von Michaels needed to get the heart of a warrior. If you’ve never fought a military man, get ready because Von Michaels is pretty close to that.
5) Dr. Colorado
Bio:
Dr. Colorado is the last male OB/GYN in his city. He’s also a pillar of his community and helps run the TNT Fireworks stand for his nephew’s high school choir.
Special Skill - Krav Maga & Community:
Between customers at the TNT Fireworks stand, Dr. Colorado goes behind the stand and practices Krav Maga techniques. Despite practicing in the back, Dr. Colorado never misses issuing a warm welcome when a customer arrives.
And IF you beat all my friends, guess what?
Surprise: I’m Final Boss!
6) Final Boss
Bio:
"May God have mercy on my enemies, because I won’t" is a phrase I’ve wanted to get tattooed on me, but just haven’t found the time yet, however, it perfectly describes my ethos.
The Scene:
I’ll paint you a picture of how it’ll go so you at least have a chance to prepare.
When you arrive at my house to pick up my daughter for a date, you’ll find me sitting on the front porch, holding a gun I’ve never shot before.
That’s when it’ll happen: I’ll shoot you a stern look and say, “Have her home by 9:00.”
If you don’t bring her home by 9:00, guess what? You. Me. A conversation over an Olive Garden dinner where I tell you “I don’t put up with stuff like that.”
Sweating yet? I’ll bet.
I’m paying for the dinner by the way, because I’ll be damned if anyone beats me to the bill.
After dinner, we talk by our cars for the amount of time it takes me to say, "Look, I think you’re a good kid. I hope you understand I’m just a Papa looking out for his own. Don’t take my tongue lashing too personally."
I then get in my raised truck and leave the parking lot before you know what hit you.
The Lesson:
If you want to date my daughter, it’s only right that you have to face the man who raised her.
And that man’s friends. You have to face them too.
Get ready.