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ASS NEWSLETTER (#1): Is Trump Going to Hell???
Play pious games, win pious prizes
Apr 2
•
AJ Alkire
1
At a Loss For Words, Local Man Describes Watching His Wife Give Birth as "Lynchian"
Best day of his life came to a screeching halt
Apr 1
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AJ Alkire
36 Year-Old Adult Rec League Phenom Good Enough to Play With 40 Year-Olds
Welcome to the big leagues
Apr 1
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AJ Alkire
Most Popular
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Blind Items: Oscar Night
Mar 3, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Man Who Wants to “Protect Women’s Sports” Chose 8 Hours of Ridiculousness Over NCAA Women’s Tournament
Mar 24, 2025
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AJ Alkire
3
Elon Musk Cancels $5,000 DOGE Checks; Reallocates Funds to His Child Support Payments
Feb 24, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Purgatory Shifts To ‘Standing Room Only’ Until New Pope Is Selected
Apr 23, 2025
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AJ Alkire
2
New Form of Renewable Energy Powered By Benson Boone Backflips
May 7, 2025
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AJ Alkire
2
Bezos Feigns Enthusiasm for Amazon Basics Wedding Gifts
Jun 30, 2025
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AJ Alkire
2
Best Of
New 'GOP Bible' Comes With Black Highlighter
Ted Cruz, Pete Hegseth, everyone's using it!
Jun 20, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
1
Keynote Speaker Keeps Mentioning How Long He’s Been Married To Get Applause Breaks
When in doubt, say “I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years…”
May 16, 2025
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AJ Alkire
Promises Made, Promises Kept: Sesame Street Muppets Get Death Penalty
Go woke, go croak.
Apr 2, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
ASSk News: Tough Questions Kids Ask
How to respond when children ask hard questions.
Jan 29, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Madame Tussauds Reveals Unknown Woman “Laurie”
She stands at 5'4", has no last name and wears clothes.
Mar 21, 2023
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AJ Alkire
Bowser Defends Son Against "Nepo Baby" Claims
"He's worked for everything he has."
Mar 11, 2023
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AJ Alkire
My Avatar Still 5'10" and Ugly - Why?
Oh god, please no. Why am I the only short Avatar?! What the heck!
Feb 4, 2023
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AJ Alkire
Entertainment
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Villain, Father, Meme or Icon? Why Not All Four?
Our exclusive sit down with Bowser
Apr 1
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AJ Alkire
After Losing Disney IP, OpenAI Acquires Rights to StarKist Mascot, Charlie the Tuna
Will they acquire other iconic characters?
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
“The Life of a Showgirl” Vinyl Variant Positions Taylor Swift a Bit to the Left
Is that a variant or a misprint?
Oct 3, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Blind Items: Emmy Night
The hot gossip from Hollywood’s second biggest night
Sep 15, 2025
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AJ Alkire
Sports
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Judge in Tiger Woods Case Explains Yelling “FORE” Just Before Crash Not a Valid Legal Defense
FORE, FORE, FORE, FORE, FORE!
Apr 1
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AJ Alkire
4 Ways Non-Dodger Fans Can Have Fun With This MLB Season
Welp... pack it up
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
MLB Team Owners Vote to Sim 2026 Season, Skip to 2027 Lockout
Let’s negotiate, baby
Nov 3, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
Forgetting What Show He’s On, Stephen A. Smith Calls LeBron James a Socialist
Got his wires crossed
Oct 20, 2025
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AJ Alkire
2
Tech
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Coworker Talking About How Tired He Is Unknowingly Making the Case for A.I. Replacement
"Man, I'm running slow today"
Oct 24, 2025
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AJ Alkire
Apple Launches Revolutionary, New Way to Say Dark Gray
“And our iPhone 17 in beautiful Night Shadow gray.”
Sep 10, 2025
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AJ Alkire
New Form of Renewable Energy Powered By Benson Boone Backflips
At last, we can put these backflips to use!
May 7, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
2
Gen Z-ers Turn to Street Hawking as TikTok Shop Nears End
They got a taste of the hawking life and they can’t go back.
Jan 13, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Politics
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Got 'Em! Gavin Newsom Calls Republican Dressed in Easter Attire a "Homo"
Fighting fire with fire, right?
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Nick Shirley Concludes Weeks-Long Investigation On How to Say Big Word
Sound it out, big guy
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Four More Democrats Enter California Governor Race
"Together, we can save this state from Republicans!"
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Last-Ditch Effort: Andrew Cuomo Just Reposting Old “Jeff Dunham Achmed the Dead Terrorist” Videos
It might be too little, too late
Oct 27, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
Recent posts
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Judge in Tiger Woods Case Explains Yelling “FORE” Just Before Crash Not a Valid Legal Defense
FORE, FORE, FORE, FORE, FORE!
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
4 Ways Non-Dodger Fans Can Have Fun With This MLB Season
Welp... pack it up
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Villain, Father, Meme or Icon? Why Not All Four?
Our exclusive sit down with Bowser
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
After Losing Disney IP, OpenAI Acquires Rights to StarKist Mascot, Charlie the Tuna
Will they acquire other iconic characters?
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Got 'Em! Gavin Newsom Calls Republican Dressed in Easter Attire a "Homo"
Fighting fire with fire, right?
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Nick Shirley Concludes Weeks-Long Investigation On How to Say Big Word
Sound it out, big guy
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
Four More Democrats Enter California Governor Race
"Together, we can save this state from Republicans!"
Apr 1
•
AJ Alkire
MLB Team Owners Vote to Sim 2026 Season, Skip to 2027 Lockout
Let’s negotiate, baby
Nov 3, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
Uh Oh: Husband Reveals Dog Costume is Most Comfortable He’s Ever Felt In His Own Skin
“Call me Rocky when I have this on”
Oct 31, 2025
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AJ Alkire
1
Cousin Who Keeps Saying “She’s In a Better Place Now” Clearly Didn’t Know Grandma
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
Oct 29, 2025
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AJ Alkire
Last-Ditch Effort: Andrew Cuomo Just Reposting Old “Jeff Dunham Achmed the Dead Terrorist” Videos
It might be too little, too late
Oct 27, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
Coworker Talking About How Tired He Is Unknowingly Making the Case for A.I. Replacement
"Man, I'm running slow today"
Oct 24, 2025
•
AJ Alkire
See all
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