ASS News | AJ Alkire | Substack

Best Of

New 'GOP Bible' Comes With Black Highlighter

Ted Cruz, Pete Hegseth, everyone's using it!

Jun 20, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Keynote Speaker Keeps Mentioning How Long He’s Been Married To Get Applause Breaks

When in doubt, say “I’ve been married to my wife for 25 years…”

May 16, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Promises Made, Promises Kept: Sesame Street Muppets Get Death Penalty

Go woke, go croak.

Apr 2, 2025 • AJ Alkire

ASSk News: Tough Questions Kids Ask

How to respond when children ask hard questions.

Jan 29, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Madame Tussauds Reveals Unknown Woman “Laurie”

She stands at 5'4", has no last name and wears clothes.

Mar 21, 2023 • AJ Alkire

Bowser Defends Son Against "Nepo Baby" Claims

"He's worked for everything he has."

Mar 11, 2023 • AJ Alkire

My Avatar Still 5'10" and Ugly - Why?

Oh god, please no. Why am I the only short Avatar?! What the heck!

Feb 4, 2023 • AJ Alkire

Entertainment

“The Life of a Showgirl” Vinyl Variant Positions Taylor Swift a Bit to the Left

Is that a variant or a misprint?

Oct 3, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Blind Items: Emmy Night

The hot gossip from Hollywood’s second biggest night

Sep 15, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Taylor Swift’s Parents Pussyfooting Around Asking If They Have to Pay for Wedding

“We were… uh, just wondering…”

Aug 27, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Conservative Embracing Sydney Sweeney Not Close to Having ‘Eden’ On Their Radar

It’s a Ron Howard film! Opening August 22nd?

Aug 8, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Sports

MLB Team Owners Vote to Sim 2026 Season, Skip to 2027 Lockout

Let’s negotiate, baby

Nov 3, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Forgetting What Show He’s On, Stephen A. Smith Calls LeBron James a Socialist

Got his wires crossed

Oct 20, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Chicago Sees Conditions Worsen as Bears Return From Bye Week

“You know what should be unconstitutional is that D-Line”

Oct 6, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Prodigy Tennis Star Can Play Without Grunting

Look at this guy go!

Sep 29, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Tech

Coworker Talking About How Tired He Is Unknowingly Making the Case for A.I. Replacement

"Man, I'm running slow today"

Oct 24, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Apple Launches Revolutionary, New Way to Say Dark Gray

“And our iPhone 17 in beautiful Night Shadow gray.”

Sep 10, 2025 • AJ Alkire

New Form of Renewable Energy Powered By Benson Boone Backflips

At last, we can put these backflips to use!

May 7, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Gen Z-ers Turn to Street Hawking as TikTok Shop Nears End

They got a taste of the hawking life and they can’t go back.

Jan 13, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Politics

Last-Ditch Effort: Andrew Cuomo Just Reposting Old “Jeff Dunham Achmed the Dead Terrorist” Videos

It might be too little, too late

Oct 27, 2025 • AJ Alkire

“He’s Just a Kid” Says JD Vance of Senile Old Man Muttering Slurs

“Kids do stupid things”

Oct 17, 2025 • AJ Alkire

5 ANTIFA PSAs Before This Weekend’s Protest

Afterparty at Dave & Busters!

Oct 15, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Trump Vows to Punish Each and Every Person Who Didn't Vote Him to Receive Nobel Peace Prize

"If you thought I wasn't peaceful before, just you wait."

Oct 10, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Recent posts

Last-Ditch Effort: Andrew Cuomo Just Reposting Old “Jeff Dunham Achmed the Dead Terrorist” Videos

It might be too little, too late

Oct 27, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Coworker Talking About How Tired He Is Unknowingly Making the Case for A.I. Replacement

"Man, I'm running slow today"

Oct 24, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Food Review - Those Dog Cookies That Look Just Like Human Cookies

They look so similar, I doubt you could tell the difference

Oct 22, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Forgetting What Show He’s On, Stephen A. Smith Calls LeBron James a Socialist

Got his wires crossed

Oct 20, 2025 • AJ Alkire

“He’s Just a Kid” Says JD Vance of Senile Old Man Muttering Slurs

“Kids do stupid things”

Oct 17, 2025 • AJ Alkire

5 ANTIFA PSAs Before This Weekend’s Protest

Afterparty at Dave & Busters!

Oct 15, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Wave From Motorcyclist is the Most Valued You’ve Felt in a While

“He mistook my weakness for kindness.”

Oct 13, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Trump Vows to Punish Each and Every Person Who Didn't Vote Him to Receive Nobel Peace Prize

"If you thought I wasn't peaceful before, just you wait."

Oct 10, 2025 • AJ Alkire

The Best Fall Clothes for Plainclothes ICE Agents in 2025

The top plainclothes items you need to make this season your best yet

Oct 8, 2025 • AJ Alkire

Chicago Sees Conditions Worsen as Bears Return From Bye Week

“You know what should be unconstitutional is that D-Line”

Oct 6, 2025 • AJ Alkire

“The Life of a Showgirl” Vinyl Variant Positions Taylor Swift a Bit to the Left

Is that a variant or a misprint?

Oct 3, 2025 • AJ Alkire

"I Hate My Opponent" Guy Really Could’ve Used His Opponent

Everything you need to know about the government shutdown

Oct 1, 2025 • AJ Alkire

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