Welcome to the ASS NEWSLETTER for April 2026: a newsletter about big titties and eternal damnation. Let’s get to it.
Move over Epstein files! There’s a new political scandal in town!
The husband of recently fired Homeland Security secretary Kristi Noem was outed (?) as taking part in something called "bimbofication," where he would dress up as a busty woman and message other busty woman things like, "How are your boobs… would you go bigger?"
Kristi Noem said she was "devastated" and "asks for privacy and prayers" during this time.
Devastated? Prayers?!
What are people gonna to do, pray the J’s away? This guy’s gotta a fetish where all he wants to do is wear big, fake boobies and we’re acting like he’s a murderer?
Grow up.
And before you defend him and say "all men are dogs," please remember that’ll only want to make Noem take him to a farm upstate. Our rhetoric matters on this one.
Question: Does Trump think he’s going to hell?
This week is both Holy Week and Spring Break, so young people flocking to Mexico for two very different reasons.
The week is all about partying and praying, and if there’s one individual who seemingly lives right in the middle of that Venn diagram, it’s President Donald J. Trump.
But while President Trump has always been a known playboy and socialite, his religious side is relatively new.
When he came out as religious pre-2016 election, he routinely threw out lines that didn’t pass the smell test:
“People are so shocked when they find… out I am Protestant.“ (July 2015)
“I am not sure I have [ever asked God for forgiveness].“ (July 2015)
“When I drink my little wine and have my little cracker…” (July 2015)
“Two Corinthians 3:17, that’s the whole ballgame.“ (January 2016)
It was like the scene in Inglorious Bastards where the spy accidentally holds up three fingers the British way instead of the German way, blowing his cover.
But who are we to judge someone’s faith? Those statements alone are not at all indicative of whether someone is going to hell. That’s ridiculous… but then a few months before the election, Trump said this:
“I figure [the Presidency] is probably, maybe the only way I’m going to get to heaven." (August 2016)
Huh?? This is the part of his campaign where, if it were a job interview, the interviewer would ask, "Do you have any questions for us? Anything we should know about?" and he responded with, "If you don’t hire me, I might burn in hell."
Once he was elected in 2016, President Trump eased up on the salvation talk, but then once he almost got assassinated in 2024, he, a young, 78 year-old man, was forced to contemplate his own mortality and return to the age-old question: where do I go when I die?
That’s when he started firing off those heaven comments again:
"I want to try and get to heaven, if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole." (August 2025)
"I don't think there's anything that's going to get me into heaven. I think I'm not maybe heaven-bound… I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make heaven, but I've made life a lot better for a lot of people." (October 2025)
"I really think I probably should make it. I mean, I'm not a perfect candidate, but I did a hell of a lot of good for perfect people." (February 2026)
"I hope to make it, but I doubt I will, to be honest with you. A lot of you will. I’m not so sure." (February 2026)
However, after all of this, it should be noted that President Trump claims he’s just joking. Unfortunately, for him, his Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt seems to disagree, saying:
"I think the president [is] serious. I think the president wants to get to heaven."
So, what’s going on here? Does President Trump have any doubts about getting into heaven, or is he just joking?
Answer: Trump is confused and unsure of his eternal resting place.
I think President Trump has surrounded himself with outspoken religious people who each have at least one extreme religious belief, and he’s now theologically confused himself.
He thinks if he ends enough wars, that could get him into heaven… that’s Pete Hegseth influence.
He thinks if he does enough good for others, that could get him into heaven… that’s some atheist/Catholic hybrid theology. JD Vance.
So I think he’s just confused honestly. Which has no effect on where he ends up for all of eternity, but it is pretty funny. He surrounded himself with religious fanatics and now seems paranoid by the ideas they brought him.
Play pious games, get pious prizes.
