You Just Got Crunch-atized by Cap’n Crunch! Here Are 4 Ways to Escape His Hellish World
His nautical, hellish, cartoon world
Have you ever been in the middle of enjoying part of your complete breakfast and then, out of nowhere, you get crunch-atized by Cap’n Crunch?
It’s a phenomenon that happens to one in every million people who eat Cap’n Crunch, and it transports mortal souls from this world to the next.
If you’re so unlucky as to be stuck in that nautical, hellish, cartoon world, held against your will by the Cap’n, here are four ways you can escape and come back home:
1) Revolt
This is the going to be your first instinct: put up a fight.
It’s not a bad idea, but you’ll need to stay calm and focused. It’s discombobulating getting sucked up through a Crunchascope and dropped onto a pirate ship, so you’ll have to quickly get your bearings straight.
Once you’ve got your sea legs under you, study the eyes of the Cap’n.
He projects confidence, but he’s running a house of cards. The whole thing will collapse the second someone gets the courage to stand up to him.
Once you muster up the courage and spot a moment of weakness, grab your gun from your back carry (forgot to mention, you will need a gun for this one to work), and charge the Cap’n while yelling, "DON’T MOVE MOTHERFUCKER! GRAB YOUR CRUNCHASCOPE AND SEND US HOME! NOW!"
2) Suck Up to the Cap’n
As previously established, Cap’n Crunch is one sick bastard who craves attention and needs to be in control. So, why not play into that.
Start by looking dejected, as if you’ve lost all hope. Sing a sad tune in front of him. He’s so sick, he’ll get off on that stuff.
Basically, let the Cap’n think he’s in total control so he lets his guard down.
Then, once he’s vulnerable, reach to the small of your back, grab your gun from your back carry (forgot to mention, you will need a gun for this one also), and charge the Cap’n while yelling, “DON’T MOVE MOTHERFUCKER! GRAB YOUR CRUNCHASCOPE AND SEND US HOME! NOW!”
3) Blackmail
The unfortunate truth is that Cap’n Crunch primarily crunch-atizes children. In fact, after reviewing a majority of the footage, the Cap’n has crunch-atized 46 kids and only 1 adult. He’s even crunch-atized more animals (1 hamster + 1 dog) than he has adults, the sick freak.
No one wants to talk about this, but if you have to play that angle to make him sweat… you gotta do what you gotta do to get home.
No gun needed for this one! A peaceful resolution… which is preferable. If you can solve things peacefully, that’s probably the way to go.
4) Kill Him
Look, although a peaceful resolution is preferred, the reality of the situation is it’s either you or him.
If you’ve already shown your hand by trying one of the above tactics, and they don’t work? You’re fucked and the Cap’n is going to be sooo mad.
You may not even have time to grab your gun from your back carry since the Cap’n will be charging at you with the speed and rage of a drunk who was cut off for the night.
But don’t worry - stay calm and do what needs to be done.
Whether that’s by moving out of the way at the last second and using his momentum against him to push him off the ship, or if it’s by doing that thing where you bop someone right in the back of the head - just do what needs to be done.
Once the Cap’n is taken care of, find his Crunchascope and transport yourself back to this earthly plane. Even take some of that guy’s gold if you’d like.
When you finally return home, remember to not feel guilty for murdering the Cap’n. You don’t need to carry that weight the rest of your life.
From a legal standpoint even, he’s a cartoon, so there are no charges following you back home. Your record is clean.
Just to be safe though, don’t go around bragging to your friends about it either.
And stay away from Cap’n Crunch cereal. Some of you are going to have that sick compulsion to revisit the scene, so you’ll eat and you’ll eat the Cap’n Crunch cereal, hoping you hear that haunting whistle and get crunch-atized again. DON’T DO THAT.
Just lay low, go to therapy or something, but DON’T brag, and DON’T try summoning the Cap’n again.
Move on with your life. It’ll be the best thing you can do.