Winners & Losers: Super Bowl LIX
Spelling enthusiasts, haters, and score bug watchers. Here are the biggest winners and losers from Super Bowl LIX.
Winner: Spelling Enthusiasts
If you’re into spelling, you got your money’s worth.
The Philadelphia Eagles clobbered the Kansas City Chiefs and every time they scored, they played their post-touchdown song, "Fly, Eagles Fly," which concludes with a loud spelling chant of "E-A-G-L-E-S."
You know what? Hell yeah, let’s spell!
The Eagles scored 4 touchdowns in the first 3 quarters, keeping spelling enthusiasts well fed throughout the night.
Loser: Light Pole Climbers
There are some of us out there who enjoy climbing a nice light pole after life hands us a victory.
A new promotion? Let’s get climbing!
An anniversary? May I have this climb?
A win by your favorite sports team? Unfortunately, not this time.
Both the city of New Orleans and Philadelphia have greased their light poles to prevent climbers like us doing what we love.
Or maybe, just maybe, the challenge is part of the fun…
LET’S GET CLIMBING!!
Winner: Score Bug Watchers
Did you see that?!
They debuted a new one during the Big Game! It’s huge!!! Oh my god!!
It’s stimulating my neural pathways in a completely new way!
Woah!
Alright!
Loser: Republicans
They hate politics in sports, but they just couldn’t help themselves.
They saw a front runner, they saw the optics of a classic red-state/county winning it all, they leaned into it and they got burned.
Patrick & Brittany Mahomes got a shoutout from the President for being MAGA and then had to watch the President leave early as they shit the bed.
Harrison Butker didn’t score a point and consequently had Josh Hawley cancel their upcoming photoshoot plans.
On top of it all, they were subjected to "boring" halftime show.
Tough beat.
Winner: Haters
The Kansas City Chiefs were looking to win their third straight Super Bowl, and for that reason, a majority of fans were rooting against them. The Chiefs are the Regina George of the NFL and fans of other teams have felt personally victimized by them, primarily because they win.
But if there’s one thing haters love most, it’s the downfall of a winner trying to accomplish something unprecedented, and boy did the Chiefs fall.
Bonus points for the Chiefs/Drake haters. Have yourself a night!
Winner: Women Who Don’t Wish to be Homemakers
Congratulations! If you did literally anything at work this week, you were more productive than Harrison Butker!