Ugh: My Innie Keeps Buying Crates of Meats
My severed innie is maxing out my card with meat expenses!
I never thought this would be a problem when I made the decision to get severed:
My innie is obsessed with meats.
When I got off work the other week, I felt sick. I stopped by the front desk on my way out of the building to ask what happened, and they told me, “Your innie ate a lot today. Got his new shipment of meats in.”
Huh? New shipment of meats?
Why are they allowing my innie to make purchases, and why is he ordering so much meat?!
A few days later, when I arrived home after work, there was a large crate on my doorstep. Sure enough, it was a 50 pound crate of assorted meats. Steaks, burgers, pork chops and prosciutto - this crate had it all.
Then I dared check the price of the box: $247!!
The box of meats alone was $185, but my innie selected a $62 rush shipping option.
Oh my god, we don’t have this money! What is he doing?!
The following day when I arrived at work, I stopped by the front desk once more for some answers:
Hey, what’s all this meat stuff about? It needs to stop.
“I don’t know what to tell you. The man down there - your innie - he’s insatiable. He’s obsessed with meats.”
How does he even have my credit card details down there?!
“It’s a long story, but essentially he guessed.
He got 5 minutes of internet browsing time as a reward, and when he got a popup for a meats delivery service, like a sleeper cell spy, he was able to put in his card details from memory. Just rattled the number off like nothing.
We’ve tried using him as a case study, but the only conclusion we’ve arrived at is he really wanted those meats.”
I don’t even have my card details memorized! Can you at least get him to stop ordering these boxes?
“I’ll try, but the folks downstairs aren’t really keen to get in between you and the meats.
They say as long as you ship it to your home, they won’t get in the way.
You sent the first few shipments here and no one in the mailroom was expecting perishables, and it stunk up that whole section of the floor.”
When I called my credit card company to dispute the charges, they claimed I didn’t have a credible case as I was technically the individual purchasing the meats.
When I called the assorted meat shipping company, they required security questions only my innie knows.
My leadership at work won’t intervene because they say I “become violent” when anyone talks about taking my meats away.
I never thought this would be a problem when I made the decision to get severed.