Study Shows Restraining Orders - Not Apples - Best For Keeping Doctors Away

It’s long been said that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” but is it the best way to keep a doctor away?

Doctors are often trusted people in our lives, but that does not necessarily mean they’re good people.

Our very own research specialist, Kathy, saw this firsthand when she began having issues with a pesky ex who was a doctor. Kathy attempted the apple strategy to keep him away and it yielded no meaningful results.

That’s when Kathy got an idea for a new study: test the efficacy of restraining orders to keep doctors away vs apples.

ASS News thought Kathy’s pitch sounded like a fantastic idea and funded a 12-month study.

Fortunately for Kathy (and unfortunately for ASS News) it only took only 3 weeks to realize that the restraining order was immensely more effective than apples. In fact, we were pleasantly surprised to learn through Kathy’s study that a restraining order is even legally enforced, whereas apples are not.

Conclusion: An apple a day DOES NOT keep the doctor away. Use a restraining order instead.

Thank you, Kathy, and enjoy your 11 extra months of funding.