Angling For White House Invite, Head of PepsiCo Clarifies “Dr Pepper is 100% a Man”

“We just want our day in the sun.”

As evidenced by the recent White House Tech CEO dinner, an invite to the White House isn’t so hard to come by for corporate leaders so long as you make it clear you are Team Trump.

Like Apple changing their maps to reflect the “Gulf of America” name once President Trump declared that to be the name. Or Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg trying to guess the number he thinks President Trump wants to hear in response to his question, “How much are you spending [in the U.S.] over the next few years?”

CEOs are doing their best to show allegiance to the President, which now includes PepsiCo, Coca-Cola, and Keurig Dr Pepper, who all made a joint statement regarding their Dr Pepper beverage:

Woke is dead.

We know this, and so it’s time to finally address the elephant in the room: Dr Pepper is a man.

Always has been.

It shouldn’t be a crime to say that.

It’s okay to be a proud, male doctor and that’s exactly who Dr Pepper is.

For hours after releasing the statement, the CEOs of the companies had their assistants scan social media to see if they were getting “any Cracker Barrel heat.”

Alas, a tweet from the White House:

Bingo.