American Pope Ensures Communion Wafers Now Be Offered in King-Size
And more Americanized changes coming soon!
The election of Pope Leo XIV occurred on Thursday morning, making him the first American Pope.
Pope Leo brings many similar ideas as his predecessor, but his background as an American is what makes him unique.
Here are a few examples we’ve seen already that demonstrate the American touch Pope Leo intends to bring to the papacy:
King-Size Communion Wafers
Americans do it big and for too long the body of Christ has been small as hell!
It may feed your spirit, but it’s not feeding your stomach!
Super size it!
Vatican City Sports Teams
Pope Leo grew up in Chicago and surely experienced the magic of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Watching a team excel to that degree never to return to glory again leaves a sports-sized hole in one’s soul.
Unfortunately, no proximity to God can help the Chicago Bears, so Pope Leo has to pivot.
Now that Pope Leo has domain of Vatican City, he plans to bring a new American football team to the city.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Vatican City Smoke!
After every game, keep an eye on the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. If you see neon green smoke rise from the chimney, the VC Smoke won!
Margaritaville in Vatican City
Vatican City is cool and all, but it’s a little stuffy.
These guys need to loosen up! Bring in the Margaritaville!
This new location will be a four-story beauty right behind the Vatican.
Tourists and Cardinals alike can unwind with the serene aesthetic of Key West, Florida, and the smooth sounds of Jimmy Buffet.
Wine? Never heard of her. Get some Bahama Mama’s for the table!
MARGARITAVILLE BONUS: If you "mess up" the path to forgiveness is only a few steps away as a pedestrian bridge on the third level of the Margaritaville provides direct access to the Vatican!