All-ASS Class of 2024
Looking at the best and worst of the year
The year 2024 included many highs and lows and we’re coming out the other side with a clear picture of what mattered this year.
For better or worse, here is the All-ASS Class of 2024.
Celeb of the Year (Online):
Hawk Tuah
In an era where celebrities can be made from small viral moments, Hawk Tuah made sure to capitalize on her moment.
She went viral for “spitting on that thang,” then started a podcast, and finally launched a crypto coin that lost millions.
There’s no better blueprint for modern online celebrity than that.
Place of the Year:
McDonald’s
Simply put, it’s the place to be!
It boasts the highest revenue of any restaurant in 2024, it has an app with fantastic deals, and food so good, assassins risk being caught just to eat there.
McDonald’s is where it’s at in 2024!
Celeb of the Year (Real):
Timothée Chalamet
Wonka, Dune: Part Two, Red One, and A Complete Unknown.
Timothée Chalamet was in three of those movies - what a year!
He’s the talk of the town!
Men want to be him, women want to be with him, dogs want to smell him, cats want to smell like him, cannibals want to eat him, his family wants to eat with him. He’s the total package.
On top of all of that, he’s now safe for “the guys” to enjoy after his appearance on ESPN’s College Gameday. Hooray!
Athlete of the Year:
Raygun
“Winning isn’t everything” is a good lesson to teach the children of the world, and Australia’s breakdancing sensation, Raygun, demonstrated just that.
At the 2024 Olympic Games in Paris, she didn’t get a single vote in any of her three battles.
She lost, but the people love her. She’s like the modern day Rocky Balboa!
Raygun taught us that it’s okay to just go out there and have fun and for that reason, she’s our “Athlete of the Year.”
Baby of the Year:
Oona Galecki
Did you know The Big Bang Theory star Johnny Galecki and his wife, Morgan Galecki, had a baby named Oona this year, and announced her arrival in Architectural Digest?
Well, they did and she’s our baby of the year!
…
On second thought, and with all due respect to Oona Galecki, ASS News is rescinding its “Baby of the Year” honors after pushback regarding her nepo-baby status. The award will now go to my cat:
Foofie
I know Foofie personally and I know she’s good for it and worthy of the honor. For that reason, and because Oona Galecki was disqualified, Foofie is our “Baby of the Year.”
Dunce of the Year:
Aaron Rodgers
After going full anti-vax, Aaron Rodgers has now gone full anti-playoffs.
His team turned in a dud of a NFL season after. They have more episodes of Hard Knocks on HBO than they have wins this season.
To top it all off, Rodgers released a 3-part Netflix docu-series about himself called Enigma.
He thinks he’s an enigma? He’s the least confusing person there is; he’s constantly letting his opinions be known and only thinks he’s mysterious because NFL fans don’t understand ayahuasca trips.
He’s disinterested, he’s disappointing, and he’s our “Dunce of the Year.”
Honorable Mentions:
Woman of the Year: Dulcibear
Word of the Year: “WATCH-OUT!”
Scent of the Year: McDonald’s
Color of the Year: Beige
List of the Year: Apple Music 100 Best Albums
Man of the Year: Sonic