4 Lines to Shut Down Fantasy Football Talk
Fantasy football playoffs begin this weekend - here are 4 things you can say to not hear about it.
This weekend is Week 15 in fantasy football leagues or, as the skilled ones call it, the start of fantasy football playoffs.
While those who participate in fantasy football leagues love nothing more than discussing the intricacies of their many teams, the rest of us would love to hear nothing about it.
If you’re in the latter group, use the guide below to quickly shut down the conversation:
4 Lines To Shut Down Fantasy Football Talk
"So, it’s basically just luck, right?"
Unfortunately, if you seem uninterested in fantasy sports, the first thing the fantasy player is going to try to do is explain how it works.
Fool.
They’ll go on and on about drafting, waiver wire pickups, and trades, mistaking your silence and lack of enthusiasm for misunderstanding. So, when they inevitably get to the part about how scoring works, wait about 10 seconds and then hit ‘em with the "Wait… so it’s basically luck, right?"
The goal here is to knock them down a peg and make them realize their entire season hinges on whether or not a running back stretched properly that morning.
Once they stammer a bit, you’ve got them right where you want them and can then deliver the next line:"Oh god, you didn’t put any money on this, did you?"
Gambling is a fickle mistress and has lured many into its orbit. Fantasy football players are no exception.
If one is playing fantasy sports, there’s a 50% chance they’ve invested money into it, and a 90% chance they won’t get that money back.
Fantasy sports players know this and it scares them to death. They’ve made plans with that money and the thought of not receiving it is a harsh reality, but one they must face.
With their ego bruised, they may turn to a moment of silent introspection, giving you much needed solace.
However, if they keep up the yapping, pull out a casual:"Hey, when was the last time you talked with your family?"
Ouch.
In real time they’re beginning to realize that over the past four months they’ve said the name "Bucky Irving" more times than they’ve talked to their own mother.
It’s a crushing moment for them.
Tuesday nights used to be family nights, but now Tuesdays are for researching prospective waiver wire pickups.
Habits have changed and the fantasy player is realizing it could all be for not. Time for psychological warfare:"You’re starting [insert player here]? Good luck."
After moving the conversation to a personal place, bringing it back to X’s & O’s will be jarring to the fantasy player.
Simply pick any one player the person has already mentioned and plug them into the sentence, "And you said you’re starting [player]? Good luck."
By this point in the season, fantasy players have experienced the ups and downs of every NFL player on their team. By throwing out this hint of skepticism, the fantasy player might start to get cold feet.
"What do they know about CeeDee Lamb that I don’t?" they may ask themselves.
You’ve introduced a level of psychological warfare the fantasy player will spend the whole weekend thinking about.
Hopefully the above line of questioning will help you avoid hearing how a certain player needs to "go off" and to what degree.
If you’re lucky, it will all be over after this weekend and then we can move on to shutting down parlay discourse.
Good luck, friends of fantasy football players.