Remember this name: Jason Calhoun.

That’s the name of Bakersfield’s breakout adult rec league superstar. Calhoun has been playing in the Bakersfield Adult Recreational League (BARL) for 2 years now in the ‘30 & Over’ division. Although recently his play has shown league organizers he may be good enough to play with the big boys in the ‘40 & Over’ division; an accomplishment never before seen in BARL.

What was it exactly that caught the attention of the league organizers?

"I’ll say it was the arc of his pitch that caught my attention, but it was the gait of his run that convinced me to call him up to the ‘40 & Over’ division," said one league organizer. "Believe me when I say you’ve never seen a grown man run with his legs more close together. It’s the optimal gait. He’s able to fit more steps in a given time than anyone else."

As for Calhoun’s stats: 3 hits and 9 stolen bases over 10 games.

"Admittedly, his hitting numbers aren’t great, but once he gets on base… watchout."

A local man experiencing one of the best days of his life stepped on a proverbial rake when he accidentally described watching his daughter be born as “Lynchian.”

Shortly after the birth of his healthy baby daughter, the man’s father-in-law put a camera in his face and asked, “So, dad, how was it?”

Having never seen a David Lynch film in his life, the new dad inexplicably and regrettably answered, “Lynchian?”

How the term “Lynchian” came into the man’s head, he was unsure. He wasn’t much of a cinephile, but apparently spends enough time on that corner of the internet to know the term.

When his wife asked what he meant by it, the man tried to course correct and mumbled some combination of “It was beautiful” and “sorry about that” before circling back to another film director reference: “It was more Hitchcockian than Lynchian… I was nervous.”

On the way home from the annual Halloween party, your husband said he had something to tell you.

Your mind went straight to "he’s ready to have kids" or "he got a promotion" but then he said it: when he wears his dog costume it’s the most comfortable he feels as an adult man.

Ruh roh.

What started as a fun night out with your husband, Mark, has turned into a quiet drive home with Mark’s fursona, Rocky.

Rocky breaks the silence to say, "You might start to see some pretty substantial charges to our account. Those are for upgrades to my Rocky suit. I’ll take care of those."

Two months ago he said kids would be hard to pull off financially, but now he’s putting $3,000 into his Rocky suit? Where is he getting all of this money?!

Then he says it: "I have more news to share. I got promoted to Senior Manager at Dunkin Donuts Corporate! I think we’ll have enough money now to try and have a family… a litter of our own."

After the passing of their grandmother, a local cousin revealed himself to be a fraud when he incorrectly stated, “she’s in a better place now.”

The a verbal misstep came in the wee hours of the morning when family members were exchanging stories about their grandmother.

While most of the stories naturally began with the clause “although” or “despite,” one cousin offered up a comforting thought free of caveats: “she’s in a better place now.”

The family members who knew grandma best shot a suspicious glance at one another, as if to say, “beware: that cousin is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

The reason for the family member’s skepticism was because there was a lot on the line. Their grandma was leaving behind a massive inheritance, after all, and everyone wanted to get a piece of it.

The inheritance accounted for:

• $100 million in oil money

• $50 million in blood diamonds

• $10 million in taxidermy of (now extinct) animals

• $5 million in stolen art

• $2 million in 1940’s Nazi memorabilia

• $1 million in 1930’s Nazi memorabilia

• $298 in NFTs

When the cousin realized he had slipped up by giving a warm, comforting thought about their grandma, he was quick to correct himself, saying, “I was clouded by grief and promise, I did in fact know Grandma was a piece of shit.”

Whether or not he was just covering his tracks, the other family members were, at the very least, comforted by the fact that they were now all in agreement: grandma was a piece of shit, but she was their piece of shit.

Desserts, sweets, cookies - they’re my weakness.

So you can understand my delight when I noticed a stray cookie on my cousin’s counter. Unable to resist the allure of loose counter cookie, I snatched up the vanilla creme treat and ate it. Leaving me no time to savor the flavor, my cousin shouted, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Who ate that dog biscuit that was on the counter?"

I couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to embarass me by asking that question so loudly. Surely he thought someone ate the dog cookie by mistake, but I didn’t eat it by mistake. I knew it was a dog cookie. I’m not stupid and I can definitely tell the difference between a dog cookie and a cookie for a person.

But, just so you understand, let me show you how similar a dog cookie looks to a cookie for a person:

Pretty similar, eh? Can you tell the difference?

I can, of course. I know what’s a dog cookie and what’s not a dog cookie, and I would never eat a dog cookie by mistake.

That’s why I ate the dog cookie for this food review. No one asked me to do this, but that’s the kind of proactive guy I am: I take initiative.

Anyway, the cookie suuuucked. It tasted like stale meat and the texture was gritty. It made me want to go to sleep for the rest of the day so that I could hurry up and get to a new day that wasn’t the day I ate a dog cookie.

Rating: 2/10

It’s hard being a nice person in a rude world.

You open doors for thankless strangers only for them to turn around and call you names like “gracias.”

You ask an old lady if she would like assistance crossing the street and she snaps at you, “I’m 35!”

You offer to pick the kids up from school only for your wife to say, “What kids, Mark? You’re scaring me!”

This world is cruel to nice people like us, but hey, c’est la vie, or as the Spanish say, “así es la vida.”

The dummies of this world think life is sweet, but they’re unaware it’s built off the fruits of your labor.

No on truly values your niceties, until…

You’re driving down the freeway and a motorcyclist is lane splitting. You do the courteous thing and inch left, allowing the motorcyclist safe passage. As the motorcyclist drives past you, they throw their hand out and wave, acknowledging your kind gesture.

Wow. Finally, someone has generously mistaken your weakness for kindness.

It’s a simple wave of gratitude - cost them nothing - but it’s the most valued you’ve felt in some time.

Even though your birthday was just last week, and you were bombarded with happy birthday texts from friends, this knowing wave from a stranger on a motorcycle meant so much more, because they - a stranger - saw you for who you are: a nice person.

Maybe this world isn’t so cruel after all.

Have you ever been in the middle of enjoying part of your complete breakfast and then, out of nowhere, you get crunch-atized by Cap’n Crunch?

It’s a phenomenon that happens to one in every million people who eat Cap’n Crunch, and it transports mortal souls from this world to the next.

If you’re so unlucky as to be stuck in that nautical, hellish, cartoon world, held against your will by the Cap’n, here are four ways you can escape and come back home:

1) Revolt

This is the going to be your first instinct: put up a fight.

It’s not a bad idea, but you’ll need to stay calm and focused. It’s discombobulating getting sucked up through a Crunchascope and dropped onto a pirate ship, so you’ll have to quickly get your bearings straight.

Once you’ve got your sea legs under you, study the eyes of the Cap’n.

He projects confidence, but he’s running a house of cards. The whole thing will collapse the second someone gets the courage to stand up to him.

Once you muster up the courage and spot a moment of weakness, grab your gun from your back carry (forgot to mention, you will need a gun for this one to work), and charge the Cap’n while yelling, "DON’T MOVE MOTHERFUCKER! GRAB YOUR CRUNCHASCOPE AND SEND US HOME! NOW!"

2) Suck Up to the Cap’n

As previously established, Cap’n Crunch is one sick bastard who craves attention and needs to be in control. So, why not play into that.

Start by looking dejected, as if you’ve lost all hope. Sing a sad tune in front of him. He’s so sick, he’ll get off on that stuff.

Basically, let the Cap’n think he’s in total control so he lets his guard down.

Then, once he’s vulnerable, reach to the small of your back, grab your gun from your back carry (forgot to mention, you will need a gun for this one also), and charge the Cap’n while yelling, “DON’T MOVE MOTHERFUCKER! GRAB YOUR CRUNCHASCOPE AND SEND US HOME! NOW!”

3) Blackmail

The unfortunate truth is that Cap’n Crunch primarily crunch-atizes children. In fact, after reviewing a majority of the footage, the Cap’n has crunch-atized 46 kids and only 1 adult. He’s even crunch-atized more animals (1 hamster + 1 dog) than he has adults, the sick freak.

No one wants to talk about this, but if you have to play that angle to make him sweat… you gotta do what you gotta do to get home.

No gun needed for this one! A peaceful resolution… which is preferable. If you can solve things peacefully, that’s probably the way to go.

4) Kill Him

Look, although a peaceful resolution is preferred, the reality of the situation is it’s either you or him.

If you’ve already shown your hand by trying one of the above tactics, and they don’t work? You’re fucked and the Cap’n is going to be sooo mad.

You may not even have time to grab your gun from your back carry since the Cap’n will be charging at you with the speed and rage of a drunk who was cut off for the night.

But don’t worry - stay calm and do what needs to be done.

Whether that’s by moving out of the way at the last second and using his momentum against him to push him off the ship, or if it’s by doing that thing where you bop someone right in the back of the head - just do what needs to be done.

Once the Cap’n is taken care of, find his Crunchascope and transport yourself back to this earthly plane. Even take some of that guy’s gold if you’d like.

When you finally return home, remember to not feel guilty for murdering the Cap’n. You don’t need to carry that weight the rest of your life.

From a legal standpoint even, he’s a cartoon, so there are no charges following you back home. Your record is clean.

Just to be safe though, don’t go around bragging to your friends about it either.

And stay away from Cap’n Crunch cereal. Some of you are going to have that sick compulsion to revisit the scene, so you’ll eat and you’ll eat the Cap’n Crunch cereal, hoping you hear that haunting whistle and get crunch-atized again. DON’T DO THAT.

Just lay low, go to therapy or something, but DON’T brag, and DON’T try summoning the Cap’n again.

Move on with your life. It’ll be the best thing you can do.

It’s hard being an expecting mother, and it just got even harder.

After President Trump strongly suggested pregnant women stay away from Tylenol, citing the HHS findings linking Tylenol to an "increased risk of autism," one local pregnant woman is left with a question:

"How am I going to beat a hangover now?"

The woman is 5 months pregnant and says that due to her higher blood volume, drinking is almost always followed by a pesky hangover.

"I’m just unclear on how to get rid of my hangover if not with Tylenol," she said. "There’s a lot of stuff no one tells you about being pregnant."

When asked if she thought she should be drinking alcohol while pregnant, the woman replied, "There’s definitely a stigma around it you could say, and now they’re saying I shouldn’t have Tylenol, so I suppose I’ll just have to tough out the hangovers."

The odds of winning the Powerball jackpot are statistically improbable - 1 in 292,201,338 to be exact. However, one man is trying his hand at thwarting those odds by purchasing a second Powerball ticket.

The man was at his local gas station when he decided to purchase his first Powerball ticket, but just as he was about to leave the establishment, he was struck with a genius thought.

"I crunched the numbers in my head real quick and realized, ‘Wait a minute, if I buy a 2nd ticket, my odds nearly double’."

They exactly double, in fact. From 1 in 292,201,338 to 2 in 292,201,338.

Odds be damned, the man threw caution to the wind and purchased the second ticket.

"After realizing this hack, you could call it, I just thought about how life-changing the money could be for me and my family, and so I bought the second ticket. Then, on my way out, I had another crazy thought: what if three?"

The next Powerball drawing will be Wednesday, September 3rd, where potentially millions of people could be playing to win the billion dollars, and if you’re one of them, maybe consider buying two tickets… or three… or perhaps even four.

The college one chooses to attend often has lifelong effects on their identity.

Will they forever see their self as a Banana Slug or a Fighting Irish, and does that sound dumb?

Will they be able to say “I bleed purple” in a manner that doesn’t sound ridiculous?

One university is now helping their students practice saying the phrase, “we bleed purple” at their freshman orientation, so that the students deliver the phrase with some gusto and, most importantly, that they don’t sound like a joke.

According to one freshman who completed the orientation, the three keys to saying the phrase are:

1. It’s not a joke. Say it seriously and you will be taken seriously.

2. Look the person in the eye. If you break eye contact, it conveys weakness and then saying “we bleed purple” won’t sound intimidating.

3. Yell it, if you can. Saying “I bleed purple” using an inside voice is bound to sound ridiculous. Put some gruff behind it.

Results of the orientation vary, as one student said, “None of my friends take my college seriously. I don’t know if it’s the fact that our primary color is purple, the fact that it’s a Christian university, or the fact that our mascot is the horned frog, but none of my friends take my college seriously.”

“Still, at the end of the day, I bleed purple,” the student said sheepishly.

It’s back to school season, but for one family, they’ll be doing school a little different this year.

After a couple years of public school and “nonsense,” as one mom put it, she’s decided that only she knows what’s best for her kids and is taking on the task of teaching them herself.

She’s doing what’s called homeschooling, and it’s the latest trend in protecting your children against the money and influence of George Soros.

Gone are the days of experts (teachers included), and here to stay are parents with common sense.

“I may not be able to spell “curriculum,” but I can find one online for a good price and it teaches family values!” said the local mom.

While child development experts have their concerns, their concerns mean next to nothing because parents know best.

Planning on homeschooling your child? Here are the prerequisites:

• Have internet.

• Know how to use internet.

• Common sense.

That’s really all there is to it! Enjoy your child!

It’s long been said that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” but is it the best way to keep a doctor away?

Doctors are often trusted people in our lives, but that does not necessarily mean they’re good people.

Our very own research specialist, Kathy, saw this firsthand when she began having issues with a pesky ex who was a doctor. Kathy attempted the apple strategy to keep him away and it yielded no meaningful results.

That’s when Kathy got an idea for a new study: test the efficacy of restraining orders to keep doctors away vs apples.

ASS News thought Kathy’s pitch sounded like a fantastic idea and funded a 12-month study.

Fortunately for Kathy (and unfortunately for ASS News) it only took only 3 weeks to realize that the restraining order was immensely more effective than apples. In fact, we were pleasantly surprised to learn through Kathy’s study that a restraining order is even legally enforced, whereas apples are not.

Conclusion: An apple a day DOES NOT keep the doctor away. Use a restraining order instead.

Thank you, Kathy, and enjoy your 11 extra months of funding.

There are certain moments in history where technological innovation catapults society forward. The invention of technologies like the radio, television, the internet, and the Wii U were all so monumental, they changed society forever.

We are currently in the midst of another technological boom with the prevalence of artificial intelligence, or AI.

AI can do so many semi-useful things at a gargantuan cost, and it’s advancing at a rapid pace.

Putting the groundbreaking technology to use, one local man utilized an AI app to generate an image that garnered almost zero traction in the group chat.

The man, Dale Mound, submitted a prompt to an AI app to generate a “picture of a half fox, half duck.” Mound then sent the image to his group of friends with the caption, “It’s a fuck, lol.”

The often lively group chat went dark for the next four hours until one “Ha ha” was left by the resident good guy of the group.

Mound was still hopeful others would chime in, but that hope was quickly dashed when someone changed the topic in the chat, asking, “What is everyone up to next weekend?”

Mound saw the group chat come back to life in an instant with answers to the question; his AI image left in the dust.

Better luck next time, Dale.

Internet celebrity, Trisha Paytas, had her third child yesterday and revealed his name to be Aquaman Paytas.

Many on the internet rushed to call the name “weird,” as if any of our names are innately normal.

If we’re all honest with ourselves, all names were weird at some point in time, and all of this is made up.

However, that didn’t stop some people from piping up about Aquaman:

Grandpa Dick

Grandpa Dick said he “doesn’t understand why celebrities choose these weird names.”

Uhh.. Grandpa Dick? Your name is DICK! And what’s worse is your real name is Richard and you chose to be called Dick.

Do you know how void of bullies your life has to be to opt into the name Dick?

Jake

Jake said he just thinks the name Aquaman “is a bit out there.”

Uhh.. Jake? Relative to your name, every name is a bit out there.

Jake calling Aquaman “a bit out there” is like vanilla ice cream calling Ben & Jerry’s flavors “a bit much.” That’s the point, Jake! Have some fun!

Aunt Brooklyn

Aunt Brooklyn thinks the name Aquaman is weird because it’s “based on a fictional superhero.”

Uh.. Aunt Brooklyn? You’re named after a place that might as well be fictional because nether you nor your parents have even been there.

May as well called you Atlantis.

BREAKING - When it came time to light the fireworks on July 4th, one badass dad stepped up and showed his prowess by keeping absolute composure after lighting the fuse of the firework.

The dad approached the firework, lit the fuse, and then took his sweet time getting back to the rest of the group, showing no panic in his gait and no wincing when the firework went off. Spectators described him as having “no rush” and walking back “slow as hell!”

Bad. Ass.

The dad even knew all the firework terms and the names, saying things like, "Get me the 12 inch punk. We’re going to do the Freedom Flames," and "Let’s pace ourselves and do some Roman Candles. Keep the Super Purple Rain on deck though. It’s good to scatter the fountains."

Bad. Ass.

When asked for comment, one local kid said:

"He’s the coolest guy I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t even blink when the fireworks go off. My dad blinks."

When we asked the badass dad himself what his secret is, he let us know his approach:

"What are you talking about? Why would I run back? It’s a firework."

Playing it real coy.

Bad. Ass.

A minivan on the highway wants other drivers to take extra care around them, signaling this with a “Baby on Board!” decal.

Also indicating they have a baby on board?

Their window COVERED WITH STICKERS.

One driver commented on the decal covered window:

“I don’t mind the stickers, honestly - it’s your car.

It’s the redundancy that gets me.”

Another driver felt similarly:

“I see the stickers on the window, so I begin to drive cautiously, assuming there’s a child in the car.

Then I see the “Baby on Board!” decal and it’s like they’re talking down to me, because I could already tell by the stickers.

And then the exclamation point… like, it’s just a lot.”

The driver of the minivan could not care less as they relish in the safety the child and the “Baby on Board!” decal brings:

“They grow up so fast, and once they’re grown, the decals and stickers come off and that’s when the car crashes start again.

I just wish they’d stay this size forever. For our safety.”

Cordelia Pyle recently became the holder of a very coveted record: oldest woman alive.

Pyle is 108 years old and when asked what her secret was to grabbing the record, Pyle stated:

“A Coca-Cola each day, and the hunting and killing of any woman older than me.”

Pyle claims that the cola makes her feel young at heart, while the killing of her peers ensures no one will surpass her in age.

While Pyle has the title of “Oldest Woman Alive,” she doesn’t seem to want the title of “Oldest Person Alive”:

“I have somewhat of a truce with the oldest man alive.

We stay in our respective lanes which saves us the time and energy we need to hunt the men or women older than us.

It’s a never ending hunt by the way.

Sometimes you think you’ve got them all, then one will spring up in a local news story and grab the record for a day or two before... something happens.

You can’t rest if you want the record. You’ve got to keep a full tank of gas and a crossbow at the ready.”

When asked if Pyle fears legal consequences for all the alleged murders, she replied, “I’m working on a Coca-Cola partnership that, if it goes through, would give me the money to afford the best lawyers in the world.

So, no, I wouldn’t say I’m afraid.”

Pyle has held the record intermittently for the last 3 years and intends to hold it for much longer.

“I’m not going naturally. If you want the record, you’re gonna have to take it from me.”

After scaling back its corporate DEI initiatives earlier this year, Target knew its annual Pride Collection might be part of the collateral.

But after much thought, consideration and market testing, Target is happy to proceed in releasing their 2025 Pride Collection!

However, the one catch is that this year the Pride Collection is available exclusively in the checkout aisle.

Target’s CEO explains:

“We love that the LGBTQ+ community lives for our Pride Collection, but we’re asking that the community meet us halfway this year.

When you come to our stores this year, you won’t see any big displays, no real signage, just a mishmash of rainbow products in the checkout aisle amongst the snacks.

The products won’t specifically say “Pride” on them, but if you see a colorful item next to one of those fuckass birds we use for every holiday, it’s safe to assume that’s the Pride Collection.”

While the quality of the Pride Collection is underwhelming, Target suggests that if the collection sells well, they might change their value system by next year.

What started as a great weekend came to a screeching halt when a visit to the mall forced one local man to cross paths with snickering mall teens.

The man needed to complete a simple order pickup from the Wrangler store.

However, after picking up his jeans, the man decided to exit via the food court exit where his encounter with the mall teens took place.

The mall teens clocked the man fifty yards out and began whispering to one another and laughing.

When the man saw the group of snickering mall teens, he did his best to pretend he didn’t notice them.

“They’re not possibly talking about me, are they?” he asked himself as he walked by.

He glanced in their direction and BAM - he made eye contact with the horde.

It was like looking into the eyes of Medusa, but instead of turning to stone, the mall teens turned him to bitch.

As the man passed the group, he could only hear a few muffled phrases and words coming from their direction:

“…old…”

“…hair…”

“…did that guy buy the Wrangler x Last of Us collab jeans?!”

Although he only heard bits and pieces, the damage was done.

Local mom, Kelly Kepler, has always valued her privacy and is hypersensitive to having her children’s faces out on social media.

However, when Kepler went to blur the faces of her children, Olivia and Liam, before sharing a photo on social media, her tactic betrayed her and produced an image many of her followers are calling “haunting” and “nightmarish.”

Kepler was stunned to see the comments on what she thought was a cute family photo:

OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT APP DID YOU USE TO BLUR???
- Craig H.

I thought I was opening Instagram, not the Seventh Gate of Hell!!!
- Melissa M.

GET THOSE KIDS TO A CHURCH!!
- Greta D.

When asked to comment, Kepler defended herself, saying:

“I have beautiful children, and I think they look beautiful here as well.

I simply put a blur effect on the photo and everyone started leaving mean comments.

This exactly proves my point in why I decided to blur their faces to begin with. People are so mean these days.

This is why the West is in decline.”

Whoa!

Despite the reaction to Kepler’s family photo, the self-proclaimed mama bear warns that she will continue to blur the faces of her children in photos.