Welp.

Pack it up.

This season is wrapped.

The LA Dodgers are fresh of back-to-back World Series titles and acquired the top free agent in Kyle Tucker, and the top relief pitcher in free agency in Edwin Díaz.

I’m not sure vibes have ever been higher for a team beginning their season, so congratulations Dodgers fans! Enjoy your season! See you all next year!

Okay, now that they’re gone… fuuuuuuuck…… oh my goddddd. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of it. I want to win.

Okay, let me pick myself back up and let’s talk about the 4 ways the rest of us non-Dodgers fans can have fun this season:

1) The Grass

Oh wow! Look at the grass, guys! Look how green it is!

It’s been a long winter, so let’s appreciate how well kept that grass looks.

Take it in. Beautiful.

2) Cheap Eats

If there’s any upside to being a fan of a non-championship team, it’s that at least the food is cheaper.

What’s that? The food’s just as expensive?

Okay, well at least it’s quality food.

What’s that? The food tastes like it was sourced from a water park? And the caloric heft is designed to pause your heart?

Okay. Noted.

3) Name a Pet After a Player on Your Favorite Team

Adopt a pet and name it after one of the players on your favorite team.

It’s an easy way to invest long term into a player’s individual success, rather than the success of your subpar team.

The only way this can go sideways is if the pet dies, the player gets traded, or both the pet and the player are just absolute duds. So, consider that before trying this one.

4) Have Perspective

Um, we could literally die tomorrow. Have you thought about that? Do you know about this? Do you realize how silly that makes all of this? Like, who cares about any of this?!

Sure, it’s fun to watch a winning sports team, but like, again, a crazy person could break down your door right now and take you out with a katana. Everything’s on the table and this life is so precious.

Forget the MLB. Hug your loved ones.

EXCLUSIVE - A judge in the Tiger Woods DUI case has made it clear to Woods and his legal team that yelling "FORE!" just before flipping a car holds no legal bearing.

Woods pled not guilty to DUI charges, but claimed the reason is because he screamed "FORE!" before he lost control of the car. The golf icon even brought in a witness who claimed to "hear screams" preceding the noise of the car crash.

After the judge said the "fore" defense would not hold up in court, Woods’ lawyer presented a separate case as legal precedence: Air Bud v. Referee. "Does it say anywhere in the law that yelling ‘FORE’ does not absolve you of a DUI?" asked Woods’ lawyer.

The judge then explained Air Bud v. Referee is not a real legal case, and asked Woods and his team to leave the building.

The case is ongoing.

After the Los Angeles Dodgers won back-to-back World Series Championships, MLB Team Owners have decided to take drastic measures by electing to simulate the 2026 MLB season.

The move seen in video games like MLB The Show, allows MLB teams and players to skip straight to the 2027 MLB lockout, where they plan to implement stricter financial rules in an effort to make a more level playing field across the league.

While almost every team voted in favor of the simulation, the repeating champs held out from the vote and claimed the league is already a level playing field, saying:

“We think the teams that don’t spend money are the biggest problem in the league, not the teams that do spend.

If you have money, you owe it to the fans to spend it now! Or, if not now, then in small chunks now and larger deferred chunks later. Either one works.

Even if there aren’t any decent free agents left, go watch Moneyball and figure it out.”

Some small market teams say they try their best to compete with the revenue and payroll they have, while others claim it’s just not enough. However, that doesn’t stop them from having hope:

“Honestly, we’re right there.

We’re just one multi-billion dollar broadcast rights deal away from being competitive.”

Stephen A. Smith is ESPN’s highest paid talent and one of the highest paid personalities in sports. Now, he’s expanding his reach and throwing his hat in the political ring by stating in February that he would consider launching a presidential campaign.

To show you he’s serious about it, he launched a weekly show in September called “Straight Shooter with Stephen A.” with a patriotic logo:

Recently racking up appearances on Fox News, CNN, News Nation, MSNBC, and HBO, Stephen A. has certainly put himself in the mix to be a political voice. So much so that he’s started to get his talking points mixed up between sports and politics.

On a recent appearance on ESPN’s First Take, Stephen A. Smith got his wires crossed and, with conviction, fired off these takes:

• LeBron James is a socialist.

• The Dallas Cowboys should primary Jerry Jones.

• Jasmine Crockett is not top 5 all-time.

• The New York Jets should get the death penalty.

• Zohran Mamdani is ruining the league.

Despite these takes being incoherent, Stephen A. Smith doubled down on his podcast, saying:

“I’m an Independent, and sometimes, when you don’t fit the mold of what someone wants you to think or say, they get mad. I’m used to it and I stand by what I said.”

Before ending the episode, Stephen A. made sure to stay true to his Independent nature by railing on Jasmine Crockett, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Gavin Newsom.

He claims he’ll get to JD Vance, Stephen Miller, and others later.

In an attempt to goad liberal cities into chaos that, in President Trump’s eyes, would justify martial law, the president is attempting to deploy the National Guard into Chicago.

The city is facing a test from an authoritarian administration, and to make matters worse, the Chicago Bears return to action this week.

The Bears return from their bye week next Monday night with a 2-2 record, and President Trump is hoping the team puts on a display pitiful enough to make the city lose all hope.

While football pales in comparison to the atrocities the government is putting on in Chicago, the city is already like a powder keg, and the Bears could be the spark, as they have an evergreen ability to provide existential dread to Chicagoans.

Not helping, and adding further distress to Chicagoan’s’ lives, is local sports talk radio with lines like these:

• “You know what should be unconstitutional is the Bears D-Line.”

• “We can’t be beat by Washington twice this week.”

• “I need the president to stop targeting liberal cities, and I need Caleb Williams to start targeting DJ Moore.”

Pete Sampras, Rafael Nadal, Serena Williams. Tennis stars all before the age of 20.

However, there was one thing even they couldn’t do: play tennis without the occasional grunt.

It’s a facet of many tennis player’s games, and often a huge ear sore to tennis scouts. In fact, in 2024, a reported 60% of tennis scouts said they wouldn’t give a player a shot if they grunted too loud.1

Enter: Mark “The Silent Assassin” Willard.

Willard, a 16-year-old prodigy, has landed on the radar of tennis scouts all over the world, not due to his skill level, but because he can play without releasing a single grunt.

One scout who saw Willard play flagged his 48 mph serve as cause for concern, but said that his ability to play an entire match without grunting made up for it.

“We can teach you to improve your serve, your backhand, and your footwork, but what we can’t teach is what Mark does. It’s one of those intangible skills,” said the scout.

While tennis scouts are enthralled by Willard’s unique skill, tennis fan’s reception to Mark “The Silent Assassin” Willard a bit different:

NASCAR is a strategic sport that asks a lot of its drivers. It asks things like:

• Can you push the pedal hard enough to go fast?

• Can you hold your bladder for the next 4 hours?

It’s a sport played on the margins and it can be hard to find an advantage over your opponent, but one NASCAR driver is changing that.

Ty Chubb, a driver sponsored by Precious Moments, tried a new tactic at the most recent NASCAR race: honking his horn.

“To my surprise, everyone just moved over.

I’d never thought of honking in a race, until one moment I was just so frustrated that I honked the horn and yelled “COMING THROUGH!”

Everyone let me by.”

Chubb won the race by “a country mile” - the standard unit of measurement for NASCAR.

He plans to use the tactic in future races, though NASCAR fans have expressed concern that their beloved sport could morph into something resembling rush hour traffic more than a car race.

Fantasy football is upon us, and if your league hasn’t yet drafted, you’re in luck because you can utilize our ASS News Fantasy Football Supplemental Draft Kit.

This guide will leverage insights and data points no one else utilizes, so you can be one step ahead of your league mates. This guide is here to offer you supplemental draft strategies for you to slap on top of the research you’ve already done.

Let’s get to it:

Birthday Draft Strategy

Did you know that players put up better numbers on their birthdays?

According to a study done by PFF.com in 2017, they found that QBs in the NFL put up better fantasy numbers on their birthdays. In fact, their stats generally rise by 20% when playing on their birthday vs. playing on non-birthday dates.

So, we’re going to take those findings and assume they apply to all fantasy players regardless of position.

We looked at the top 150 ranked players in fantasy football this year, and highlighted players whose birthdays fall on a game day:

With only 7 of 150 players playing a game on their birthday, this strategy could quickly fall apart, but you’d be a fool if you let it.

Instead, let’s apply this birthday performance phenomena to the entire week of one’s birthday. Everyone knows that special birthday feeling kicks in well before the actual date, so let’s add the players who play on the week of their birthdays to our dataset:

Including the players who play on their birthday week increased our number to 54 of the 150 ranked players.

So, with that list of 54 players, here is one example of a player ASS News would recommend you target to take advantage of their birthday:

• Draft Kenneth Walker III & Trade Post-Birthday

  • Walker is a big birthday guy because over the past 3 seasons on his birthday game, he’s scored 7 points higher than his season average fantasy score. In fact, in 2022, Walkers biggest game of the fantasy season was his birthday game. However, his weekly fantasy point totals tend to decline after his birthday (see below).
    

    So, our advice is to draft Kenneth Walker III as your RB1 or RB2, and then sell high on Walker after Week 7 (his birthday week), ideally for an elite RB with a good remaining schedule - Walker should fetch that return just after his birthday.

Hostage Draft Strategy

Drafting a fantasy football team is all about getting the most value at your given draft position.

The Hostage Draft Strategy says to draft players that are most valued by your league mates, hold them hostage, and then trade them to said league mate for a premium.

To most effectively utilize this strategy, learn your league mate’s favorite NFL teams, or the fantasy podcasts they listen to so you know their most desired fantasy targets. Below is a chart showing you who your league mate might want most based on their favorite NFL team:

Harasser Draft Strategy

Did you know negative comments “trigger a much stronger and more immediate electrical response in the brain's cerebral cortex compared to neutral or positive stimuli?”

Did you also know that social rejection, which can be triggered by negative comments, activates the same brain regions associated with physical pain?

This is why we feel such strong distress from critical words, and why we go to great lengths to avoid negative comments or social rejection.

But how can you leverage that to win your fantasy football draft?

Throughout your fantasy football draft, as you see a league mate drafting well, or if there’s a league mate you want to fall into a more “auto draft” predictable style of drafting, use these phrases in the platform’s chat function to attack their brain's cerebral cortex:

With these three supplemental draft strategies, you should be equipped with the strategic advantages to secure yourself a grade-A team in fantasy.

Good luck, and happy fantasy football season!

When a local man received a text from his fantasy football league commissioner informing him that his league dues were owed, he knew his time was limited.

He was the only member of his league to not yet pay the league buy-in, and he did not want to be put on blast in front of the guys, so he considered his options:

• Option 1: Pay the $200 league dues from his personal account.

  • Cons: Would have to spend frugally for the next week.

• Option 2: Text the commissioner to ask for more time.

  • Cons: The boys call you cheap.

• Option 3: Pay the $200 league dues from his and his wife’s joint account.

  • Cons: Risk the trust he’s built within his marriage.

All options and their cons were heavily considered by the man, as he viewed each option as valid as the next. Ultimately, he reasoned that taking from his and his wife’s joint bank account would be the best option, as he could just repay the money taken from the account the following week when he got his paycheck.

Unfortunately, the man didn’t make it two days before his wife found out about his actions and began ripping him a new one:

"$200?! You pay $200 for a league you never win???"

"Of course a man stupid enough to spend a first round pick on Josh Allen would think he could get away stealing from his and his wife’s joint account. You absolute idiot."

"Next time you want to pay to be a part of a group chat for 4 months, use your own money!"

Eureka!

Boston man, Dave Portnoy, is elated to report he’s found a new way to legally harass women with no repercussions: WNBA fandom.

Portnoy identified the WNBA as an ideal outlet for his aggression when he saw an opportunity to yell at women in the name of sports fandom. Equality!

The fact that the majority of the league is made up of Black women is just a coincidence.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Just to be perfectly clear, there has been no major aggression from Portnoy towards any of the women in the WNBA; strictly micro aggressions.

Portnoy began his career by founding Barstool Sports: a website innovative and daring enough to ask questions like, "what if a drunk guy talked about sports?" and "are you sure you have an ad blocker installed?"

Built on the backs of employees who scour the internet for content to use, Barstool Sports took off and became a hundred-million dollar company, and Portnoy was leading the charge.

Portnoy’s star rose, and he became like an Elon Musk figure, but for co-workers who take long lunch breaks.

Portnoy has always prided himself on finding new and innovative ways to punch down, and his newest method might be his most potent one yet:

Embrace women’s sports, and those women become well within bounds to harass.

Eureka! Dave’s done it again!

Vegas odds are misguided. All they’re showing you is where bets are being placed. Stupid.

What I’m here to offer is some of my own research that gives insight into the personal lives of the players.

A player has a birthday?
They’re going to play different.

There’s a movie coming out that a coach really wants to see?
He’s gonna have that on his mind.

So, let’s take those factors into account and see how these series play out:

NOTE: This was written before the 1 seed vs. 8 seed matchups were set, so they are not included.

Eastern Conference

(2) Boston Celtics vs. (7) Orlando Magic

• Game 1 (4/20): Magic forward Jonathan Isaac is going to be pissed about missing Easter. His head won’t be in the game.
  CELTICS W

• Game 2 (4/23): Between Game 1 & Game 2, the Wagner brothers will want to see the German culture of Boston. They’ll find their way to a restaurant that serves German/American cuisine. Underwhelmed by the experience, they’ll order a pint to scratch the itch. That pint will make them a step slow in Game 2.
  CELTICS W

• Game 3 (4/25): Joe Mazzulla will have seen The Accountant 2 by this point. He’s fired up and ready to coach with the focus of Ben Affleck & the intensity of Jon Bernthal.
  CELTICS W

• Game 4 (4/27): Paolo Banchero’s cousin, Chris Banchero, plays on a basketball team in the Philippines called the Meralco Bolts. They’ve been sliding in the standings of the Commissioner’s Cup and have a game against a team called Rain or Shine where they can turn it all around. The game takes place on the same day as this Game 4 (4/27). If Paolo gives even one iota of thought to his cousin Chris’ game, it’s over for the Magic.
  CELTICS W

BOS CELTICS WIN SERIES 4-0

(3) New York Knicks vs. (6) Detroit Pistons

• Game 1 (4/19): There’s gonna be a fight which always gives the home team the advantage.
  KNICKS W

• Game 2 (4/21): This game is on TNT. While the Knicks played 9 TNT games this season, the Pistons played 0. They’re not used to nor ready for the pace of TNT games (commercial breaks, interviews, etc.), not to mention the faint echos of broadcaster Reggie Miller stating the obvious will get in the heads of the young Pistons.
  KNICKS W

• Game 3 (4/24): This game’s on a Thursday. The Knicks stars have a podcast called Roommates Show that releases episodes every Thursday. They’re 0-3 in Thursday games in 2025. Maybe because they’re worried about the reception of the new episodes?
  PISTONS W

• Game 4 (4/27): Knicks player Delon Wright’s birthday is the day before this game (4/26). He’s not gonna go crazy, but he will stay up an hour too late and some others will stay up with him. This will throw the Knicks players off their routine for the game the following day.
  PISTONS W

• Game 5 (4/29): Karl Anthony Towns is a fan of Princess Diana, so it’s not a stretch to think he could be inspired by the anniversary of Prince William & Cate Middleton’s wedding, which took place on this date (4/29) in 2011. Look for KAT to go nuts this game.
  KNICKS W

• Game 6 (5/1): Cade Cunningham is going to be made aware that Detroit Tigers rookie pitcher Jackson Jobe is on the mound the following day (5/2) in Anaheim. There will be this whole “young Detroit stars” narrative the media runs with this week. It fuels Cade.
  PISTONS W

• Game 7 (5/3): Detroit’s Dennis Schroder used to play with Brooklyn Nets. He found a few spots he liked while he was in Brooklyn and will probably decide to hit one up the night before this game. He’ll likely misremember how potent the food was and will have acid reflux all night. That’s all it takes.
  KNICKS W

NY KNICKS WIN SERIES 4-3

(4) Indiana Pacers vs. (5) Milwaukee Bucks

• Game 1 (4/19): This is the first opening playoff series in 7 years in which the Bucks won’t have home court advantage. I think the Pacers fans are hyped up and the team matches their energy.
  PACERS W

• Game 2 (4/22): Tyrese Halliburton will be extremely focused going into Game 1. However, between Game 1 & Game 2, Halliburton will binge watch Wrestlemania Vegas (which he missed over the weekend due to playing) when he should be watching film instead.
  BUCKS W

• Game 3 (4/25): This game is on ESPNU… the college channel. The younger Pacers team takes this personally and plays with attitude the whole way.
  PACERS W

• Game 4 (4/27): Damian Lillard could return here in front of the home crowd, and it’s a Sunday. Lillard scored his career high (71 points) on a Sunday, and just last year set the Bucks' playoff record for points in one half of a game, scoring 35 points in the first half of Game 1 against… the Pacers.
  BUCKS W

• Game 5 (4/29): Back in Indiana and Dame is settling back into things… but maybe that’s not a great idea. Per the Zodiac GM, when Lillard plays a significant role in the game plan, his Cancer energy disrupts the synergy of team. Being the away team & battling bad zodiac vibes isn’t doing them any favors.
  PACERS W

• Game 6 (5/2): Pacers player T.J. McConnell has two siblings, one of which graduates from college exactly a week after this game. McConnell is a stud off the bench for Indiana, but if there’s a moment during the game where he thinks, “Oh shoot, is that graduation today? Oh never mind, it’s next Friday,” that’s a mental slip up the Pacers won’t be able to afford.
  BUCKS W

• Game 7 (5/4): This game is played on Sunday, May 4th. The MET Gala is Monday, May 5th. Kyle Kuzma and his fiancé, model Winnie Harlow, surely have an invite. While this big event could be distracting for some, it puts Kuzma in a flow state, because he knows he’ll get to show off his fashion sense on the biggest stage the following day. He’s going to be feeling himself and will help the Bucks to a huge Game 7 win.
  BUCKS W

MIL BUCKS WIN SERIES 4-3

Western Conference

(2) Houston Rockets vs. (7) Golden State Warriors

• Game 1 (4/20): Stephen Curry is producing a film with Sony Animation called GOAT that comes out next year, however, it’s said there will be promos running during the NBA playoffs. Curry likely had to spend some time signing off on something or filming something and he’d rather spend that prepping for the series.
  ROCKETS W

• Game 2 (4/23): This game will take place on 4/23/25. If there’s anything Draymond Green is known for, it’s for playing great on April 23rd. On 4/23/2023 Draymond put up 12 points, 10 rebounds and 7 assists, and got a win against Kings. On 4/23/2021 Draymond had a career high 19 assists and a win against the Nuggets. On 4/23/2013 Draymond contributed to a win against Nuggets as a rookie putting up 5 points, 3 rebounds and 1 assists. April 23rd Draymond will dominate in this one.
  WARRIORS W

• Game 3 (4/26): Since 2015, the Warriors have a 22-4 record in the first game they play at home in a playoff series. They’re hyped. The crowd is hyped.
  WARRIORS W

• Game 4 (4/28): Game 3 is played on April 26, 2025 and on April 26, 2023 Ime Udoka was hired as the Houston Rockets head coach. They fumbled his 2-year anniversary game because the Warriors crowd was too hyped. The Rockets players enter Game 4 ashamed of themselves, and go out and win it for Ime 2 days late.
  ROCKETS W

• Game 5 (4/30): The Rockets and Warriors have only played one another on April 30th one time in their history. The Warriors beat the Rockets 115-109. Honestly? I’d put $10 on that exact score outcome. Why not?
  WARRIORS W

• Game 6 (5/2): Draymond Green has under-the-radar beef with comedian Sam Morril after he went in on him on The Dan Le Batard Show. Sam Morril is in San Francisco on Sunday, May 4th (the date of a tentative Game 7) and if the Warriors don’t win this game and end the series, Green can’t go to the show and heckle him.
  WARRIORS W

GS WARRIORS WIN SERIES 4-2

(3) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (6) Minnesota Timberwolves

• Game 1 (4/19): Dalton Knecht turns 24 on this date. That’s right: 24 like the Black Mamba. There’s no way they’re gonna lose!
  LAKERS W

• Game 2 (4/22): This game is on 4/22. That’s right: 4+2+2 =8 like the Black Mamba. There’s no way they’re gonna lose!
  LAKERS W

• Game 3 (4/25): The Knicks and Lakers are up 2-0 in their series and Julius Randle is going to remind them just who he is.
  TIMBERWOLVES W

• Game 4 (4/27): Liverpool F.C., owned by Fenway Sports Group which LeBron is part owner of, plays Tottenham on this same day. Liverpool F.C. are the heavy favorites and that will make LeBron feel like a heavy favorite as well.
  LAKERS W

• Game 5 (4/30): About to get eliminated by Luka again, Anthony Edwards goes off to keep the Timberwolves just respectable enough.
  TIMBERWOLVES W

• Game 6 (5/2): Rudy Gobert’s son turns 1 in a few days after this game and Rudy is absolutely overwhelmed with details about the party.
  LAKERS W

LA LAKERS WIN SERIES 4-2

(4) Denver Nuggets vs. (5) Los Angeles Clippers

• Game 1 (4/19): Jamal Murray sees Kris Dunn and Ben Simmons on the other side - two players drafted ahead of him - and tries to takeover by himself.
  CLIPPERS W

• Game 2 (4/21): Jokic is too good of a guy to leave Denver fans without a playoff home win.
  NUGGETS W

• Game 3 (4/24): Russ is given valuable minutes, but given his interest in movies, he has soooo much on his mind: Sinners, The Accountant 2, The Legend of Ochi. All that’s on his mind is how many movies he has to see right now.
  CLIPPERS W

• Game 4 (4/26): The new season at the Belgrade Hippodrome (Serbian horse racing) begins the day after this game. Jokic is a huge fan of Serbian horse racing and, rather than being distracted, is probably super excited that it’s horse racing season.
  NUGGETS W

• Game 5 (4/29): On Tuesday games, Zubac averages 1.1 blocks per game while Jokic only averages 0.6. That’ll do it.
  CLIPPERS W

• Game 6 (5/1): Peyton Watson went to UCLA and it’ll cross his mind while he’s in LA: “Should I reach out to my friends while I’m in town?” The small social mind game will eat at him just enough to lose a competitive edge.
  CLIPPERS W

LA CLIPPERS WIN SERIES 4-2

With the insights above, you should be able to more precisely predict these NBA playoff series, and possibly, make loads of money.

Updates on these predictions will be tracked throughout the first round and will be posted on the ASS News Instagram and TikTok.

After an eventful Tuesday saw the Denver Nuggets fire both their head coach, Michael Malone, and their general manager, Calvin Booth, the Nuggets have now announced they are firing their superstar center, Nikola Jokic.

That’s right - just straight released him.

After Denver fired their general manager on Tuesday, they replaced him with an interim GM, Merv Conk, a senile, 87 year-old man who technically has the most experience under his belt due to how long he’s lived on this Earth.

Sources say Conk’s first order of business was to get rid of Jokic, stating the team “needs a reset like [he] needs Little Richard tickets - so fucking bad.”

While Jokic has been awarded league MVP three times in the past five years, Conk made it clear to those within the Nuggets organization that he “doesn’t trust European players,” and that by keeping Jokic, they were “wasting away DeAndre Jordan’s career.”

In fact, on multiple occasions over the past few years, members within the organization have heard Conk say, “We need to play DeAndre Jordan like I need Fats Domino tickets - so fucking bad,” usually followed by, “Remember ‘Dunk City’? He’s good!!”

Nikola Jokic now becomes the most coveted free agent in the league, and the favorites to sign him?

You guessed it: the Los Angeles Lakers.

By signing Jokic, the Lakers will finally get their center and a replacement for Anthony Davis.

According to a new study, 90% of all men in their 20s mistake their age appropriate levels of testosterone for “Mamba Mentality.”

“Mamba Mentality,” is a term coined by the late athlete Kobe Bryant, wherein one has the drive to push to their limits, and, in its fullest form, win NBA championships.

The study found that while many men in their 20s believe they also have this insatiable power of will, they’re actually just experiencing a flood of hormones typical for their age group, and usually combined with their first success as an adult male.

So how is one to know if they truly have “Mamba Mentality” or not?

The study provides the following examples of both “Mamba Mentality” traits, and "Just Testosterone" traits:

Just Testosterone

• High achiever at a MLM

• Holds teammates accountable in pickup games at LA Fitness

• Multiple speeding tickets

• Dormant Shopify accounts

Mamba Mentality

• Driven

• Nike deal

When the New York Yankees debuted their new ‘torpedo’ bat this season, teams and fans were stunned by the ingenuity.

The ‘torpedo’ bat moves wood and mass to the area of the bat where a player tends to make contact with the ball.

The effect? While it may be too soon to say, the New York Yankees outscored their opponent, the Milwaukee Brewers, 20 - 9 on Saturday with 9 home runs. Not a bad start!

While other teams will likely start to imitate the ‘torpedo’ bat design, the Los Angeles Angels have gone another direction, debuting their own ‘Spanking’ bat.

This bat is an oblong, deformed club and doesn’t look legal in the slightest.

While the Yankees’ ‘torpedo’ bat was designed by an MIT physicist employed by the team, the Angels’ ‘Spanking’ bat was designed by an 82 year-old Veteran on Fiverr for $200.

The freelancer spoke to us about his design:

"I sort of got the inspiration from my childhood. If ever I kicked my Meemaw’s dog, my Pawpaw would beat my ass with a paddle.

I always thought that paddle would make for a good bat."

It doesn’t.

Despite their best efforts, the Angels struck out 17 times in their first three games and only hit 1 home run.

To make matters worse, the MLB Commissioner is rumored to be cooking up a stiff punishment for the Angels for their use of this bat, which ignores various league rules.

The owner of the Angels, Arte Moreno, responded to the backlash, saying:

"The only way we can be competitive again is if we win on the margins.

This bat was our only hope of doing that.

Not pitching, not player development, not free agents, it was all riding on this bat."

While the organization awaits league punishment for their use of the ‘Spanking’ bat, they’ve begun developing a new bat that abides by league rules: a bat with motivational quotes on it.

After a months-long social media campaign about “protecting women’s sports,” one local man revealed that when it comes to women’s sports, he’s all bark and no bite.

Over the past 10 months, a local girl-dad and Christ follower has been posting nonstop about “protecting women in sports,” so, surely he’s been watching the NCAA Women’s Tournament, right?

Well, not so fast now.

After following up with the man on Monday morning, we learned that not only did the man not watch any of the NCAA Women’s Tournament - he instead watched 8 straight hours of MTV’s Ridiculousness.

Here’s an excerpt from our interview with the man:

ASS News:
So, I bet you enjoyed watching the NCAA Women’s Tournament this weekend?

Protector of Women’s Sports:
I’m not watching that shit.

ASS News:
Oh. You have a hangover from the Unrivaled League playoffs I bet, huh?

Protector of Women’s Sports:
What the hell is that?

ASS News:
Uh... too busy watching the NWSL season kickoff, perhaps?

Protector of Women’s Sports:
Look, if Riley Gaines isn’t fighting for 5th place, I’m not watching.

You can find Women’s sports airing almost always, and you can find MTV’s Ridiculousness airing almost always as well.

After TNT revealed the crew for their upcoming March Madness coverage, it was apparent they’d made a grave mistake: they cast all the silly guys!

The silly guy is a core character in a sports broadcast studio show.

We’re talking Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw, Gronk, David Ortiz, the hockey one, and the silly guy who doesn’t know he’s a silly guy, Kendrick Perkins.

Welp, due to an accident made by TNT casting, the TNT March Madness studio crew is made up of all silly guys from every network.

Yup. Six guys. All silly.

On top of that casting redundancy, the desk is hella cramped because there’s only supposed to be 4 guys max!

The crew completed their first show on Tuesday night and fans are already let down by the quality of the show:

I guess it’s just going to be a silly one this March.

You can watch the all silly guys in one studio show on TNT throughout the March Madness Tournament.

After a weekend of NBA fanfare at NBA All-Star Weekend, one player is letting the fans know how he feels:

“You’re all a bunch of losers.”

Golden State Warriors star, Draymond Green, was a part of the weekend’s broadcast and called out NBA fans for liking a “boring product,” saying:

"Bunch of losers, man. Who is even watching this?

The NBA had a resurgence from like 2015-2019, and then again in 2022, but outside of that, it’s just been a bunch of guys running fast and shooting 3’s. I think its very boring when I’m not doing it.”

NBA Hall of Famer and NBA on TNT broadcaster, Charles Barkley, agreed with Green, stating:

“I wouldn’t be caught dead watching the NBA over college sports.”

The statements come after a long, public discussion about NBA ratings and what might be the cause of their decline.

NBA journalist, Stephen A. Smith, had some ideas about why ratings are so low.

Atop his list, he went so far as to suggest NBA players should have extramarital affairs with wives of other NBA players, so that players hate one another again “like they did in the 80’s and 90’s.”

At the end of the day, this is NBA Commissioner Adam Silver’s problem and he knows it.

Between All-Star festivities, Silver took ownership for ratings being down before sharply pivoting to clowning fans for still watching:

“If you saw the trade deadline, it’s evident I’m doing everything I can to make this product the best it can be.

However, if you’re watching this shit now, you’re a grade-A buster.”

Winner: Spelling Enthusiasts

If you’re into spelling, you got your money’s worth.

The Philadelphia Eagles clobbered the Kansas City Chiefs and every time they scored, they played their post-touchdown song, "Fly, Eagles Fly," which concludes with a loud spelling chant of "E-A-G-L-E-S."

You know what? Hell yeah, let’s spell!

The Eagles scored 4 touchdowns in the first 3 quarters, keeping spelling enthusiasts well fed throughout the night.

Loser: Light Pole Climbers

There are some of us out there who enjoy climbing a nice light pole after life hands us a victory.

A new promotion? Let’s get climbing!

An anniversary? May I have this climb?

A win by your favorite sports team? Unfortunately, not this time.

Both the city of New Orleans and Philadelphia have greased their light poles to prevent climbers like us doing what we love.

Or maybe, just maybe, the challenge is part of the fun…

LET’S GET CLIMBING!!

Winner: Score Bug Watchers

Did you see that?!

They debuted a new one during the Big Game! It’s huge!!! Oh my god!!

It’s stimulating my neural pathways in a completely new way!

Woah!

Alright!

Loser: Republicans

They hate politics in sports, but they just couldn’t help themselves.

They saw a front runner, they saw the optics of a classic red-state/county winning it all, they leaned into it and they got burned.

Patrick & Brittany Mahomes got a shoutout from the President for being MAGA and then had to watch the President leave early as they shit the bed.

Harrison Butker didn’t score a point and consequently had Josh Hawley cancel their upcoming photoshoot plans.

On top of it all, they were subjected to "boring" halftime show.

Tough beat.

Winner: Haters

The Kansas City Chiefs were looking to win their third straight Super Bowl, and for that reason, a majority of fans were rooting against them. The Chiefs are the Regina George of the NFL and fans of other teams have felt personally victimized by them, primarily because they win.

But if there’s one thing haters love most, it’s the downfall of a winner trying to accomplish something unprecedented, and boy did the Chiefs fall.

Bonus points for the Chiefs/Drake haters. Have yourself a night!

Winner: Women Who Don’t Wish to be Homemakers

Congratulations! If you did literally anything at work this week, you were more productive than Harrison Butker!

The Super Bowl is this Sunday and President Donald Trump has announced he will be in attendance with heightened security.

Unfortunately, a slip up by President Trump has revealed one of his planned tactics to bolster security.

In an interview with Fox News, President Trump detailed a plan that would put his own son, Don Jr., in a disguise to serve as a decoy. Trump stated:

"I’ll have Don Jr. out there dressed like me - probably the best he’s ever looked - for the first quarter of the game to make sure there are no Luigi’s out there.

I survived the one attempt on my life, and I did it very gracefully and with bravery, but I don’t want to face another one, frankly.

So we’ll have Don Jr. out there to start."

The Fox News host cut President Trump off, letting the President know he had just leaked security details, but the President did not seem to be concerned, saying:

"Well, sure, you know about Don Jr. Decoy, but what you don’t know is all the other decoys. Maybe there’s Eric Decoy, maybe even a you decoy. Would you like that? Maybe we dress you up like the President and throw you out there. Oh, you’d be good."

While the decoy plan seems to be entirely exposed now, President Trump intends to move forward with it regardless:

"I am, and have always been, pro-life, and so, regarding the decoy plan, I am simply pro-my-life."

Sports fans just want one thing: for their team to win it all.

But what if their team is no longer in the hunt? What then?

One local woman is giving us insight into what she’s rooting for since her team didn’t make it to the Super Bowl:

“I want a good game, but even more than that, I want it to end with a controversial call; a bad call even.”

The woman, a Miami Dolphins fan, says that she can’t bring herself to root for the Eagles nor the Chiefs, and will instead root for the game to give her something to talk about at work the following day, stating:

“If the game doesn’t end in a controversial call, what else will we talk about at work?

At the end of the day, I just want something to talk about.

I believe it was Bonnie Raitt who said,

‘Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.
Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.
Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.
How about love?

I feel so foolish, I never noticed
You'd act so nervous
Could you be falling for me?
It took a rumor to make me wonder
Now I'm convinced I'm going under
Thinking 'bout you everyday
Dreaming 'bout you every night
I'm hoping that you feel the same way
Now that we know it, let's really show it, darlin'

Let's give 'em something to talk about,

She says something like that - you get the gist: we just want something to talk about.”

But what about the commercials, the halftime show, or Gatorade colors? Don’t those offer some sort of fodder for coworkers?

No, she wants blood:

“It has to be the ending of the game. It needs to be botched.”

You can watch the Super Bowl is this Sunday, February 9th and, hopefully, complain about it at work on Monday, February 10th.