A local man at his corporate job made the mistake of audibly expressing his fatigue.

“Man, I’m running slow today. I’m going to need a second cup of coffee,” said the man to nearby coworkers.

While the man’s coworkers recognized the comment as harmless, corporate banter, the man’s baby boomer boss saw something far more devious: inefficiency.

Not just inefficiency, but inefficiency on the company’s dime. That. Can’t. Happen.

“You know who wouldn’t need that second cup of coffee?” the boss thought to himself.

“A.I.”

For decades, complaining about how tired you are has been a tried and true way to break the ice with co-workers. Not anymore.

Lines like, “I’m running on pure caffeine today,” or “the weekend can’t come quick enough,” have always been reliable ways to fill the silence.

However, now that A.I. is looming, these comments about fatigue are no longer just reliable one-liners, but rather activation phrases to trigger Corporate America’s most trusted allies: baby boomer bosses.

Admittedly, baby boomer bosses don’t know much about A.I., what it stands for, or what it can do, but they do know A.I. will never get tired, never take a 15 minute bathroom break, and never tap into that corporate 401(k) match program.

And that sounds like a pretty sweet deal; that sounds like corporate efficiency.

Apple held their annual September event yesterday where they unveiled a new line of products including the all new iPhone.

However, the biggest reveal of the day was when Tim Cook announced Apple’s brand new, revolutionary way to say dark gray: Night Shadow gray.

The company has a knack for technological innovation, sure, but they’re also sneakily good at coming up with new ways to say dark gray.

One Apple historian put it this way:

“Apple does a lot of things really well, and coming up with new names for dark gray is definitely one of them.

When I first heard “Space Gray,” I nearly fainted. It’s genius.

And then, of course, they continue with Graphite, Midnight, Space Black, and Titanium, so, yeah, I’m excited to see what they have up their sleeve this year.”

Fortunately for them, Apple delivered the goods on Tuesday with Tim Cook delivering the line that received the biggest applause break:

“Our iPhone 17 comes in black, white, light blue, green, purple, aanndd… the all new, beautiful Night Shadow gray!”

The feedback on the iPhone 17 was fairly positive, however, the excitement that “Night Shadow gray,” elicited was through the roof.

We checked back in with our Apple historian after the event to see what they had to say:

“They did it again.

Night Shadow gray absolutely stole the show.”

Every generation has their share of young celebs who do backflips, and this generation is no exception.

Benson Boone is a young singer who loves doing flips on stage, and for now, they serve a purpose: pure entertainment.

You know if you buy a ticket to a Benson Boone show, you’re guaranteed to see two things: flips and a hoard of young girls who are now allowed to listen to “secular music.”

But what happens to the flips if the novelty starts to wear off? That’s the question every entertainer who does flips must ask themselves.

Well, now there’s a clear answer.

Researchers at the EPA have developed a new process for renewable energy which harnesses the winds of backflips of young entertainers and converts it into electricity.

Not dissimilar from a wind turbine, here’s a diagram of how the process works:

With the technology complete, the EPA has begun working with numerous young backflipping entertainers to store the electricity. Entertainers such as streamer IShowSpeed, TikTok dancing baseball team (?) the Savannah Bananas, and of course, singer Benson Boone.

Regarding how this process is going thus far, the EPA said:

“They’re not necessarily excited about renewable energy, but they are very excited about doing backflips.

Regardless of their motive, we’re happy to have them.”

The EPA clarified that these young entertainers are not getting paid for this effort, they just really wanted a reason to do flips.

On January 19th, the social media app TikTok will likely be banned from the phones of Americans.

With TikTok disappearing, the TikTok shop will go with it, leaving many Gen Z-ers without a platform to peddle their trinkets.

Without a venue to promote half-baked products, many Gen Z-ers are turning to the streets to become street hawkers.

Said one Gen Z hawker:

“Without TikTok Shop, many people won’t know where to go to buy their off-brand headphones and phone cases.

It’s also difficult to tell people “this is the best product I’ve ever used,” in person when I only have one take.”

However, Gen Z doesn’t have to look far to find the formula.

One street hawking expert claims the template has been created by preceding generations:

“Squint hard enough and QVC is just TikTok Shop ran by Baby Boomers!

Facebook Marketplace? Well, that’d be the Millennials.

And the Gen X-ers? They’ve been hawking As Seen on TV products from local Brookstones for decades!”

The formula is there and where there’s a will, there’s a way. Gen Z will persevere to find that way.

Godspeed, Hawkers.

Spotify has released their 2024 Wrapped data to users and one local man is raising eyebrows by sharing his relatively tame results.

Mike Waters is known by friends and family for his "eclectic" taste in music. He’s known as the man who listens to "a little bit of everything."

But when 2024’s Spotify Wrapped was released Wednesday morning, Waters posted his rather questionable results showing his "Top 5 Artists" and "Top 5 Songs" included many popular choices:

Top 5 Artists

• Sabrina Carpenter

• Bruno Mars

• Taylor Swift

• Billie Eilish

• The Weeknd

Top 5 Songs

• Espresso - Sabrina Carpenter

• Beautiful Things - Benson Boone

• Birds of a Feather - Billie Eilish

• Million Dollar Baby - Tommy Richman

• We Can’t Be Friends (Wait For Your Love) - Ariana Grande

Shortly after posting his results, Waters shared a brief statement with his followers:

"I wanted to address my Spotify Wrapped as I’m a bit confused by my results this year.

I listen to a lot of different music and, specifically this year, made an effort to listen to smaller artists like Charli XCX and Shaboozey.

The artists and songs shown in my Spotify Wrapped do not fully encapsulate how varied my listening habits are.

I vow to be better next year."

Waters wasn’t the only one confused by his results. His roommate also shared a statement saying he "doesn’t know who that is, but it’s not Mike."

Spotify Wrapped results are out for all users now.

If you’re anything like me, you can feel your wife slowly drifting away from you day by day.

But in a world with so many cool tech gadgets coming out everday, there has to be a solution. Well, I’ve put a list together of the best gadgets you can buy this fall season to help get her back:

1. Fujiiryoki Calm Plus Massage Chair ($3,700)

   

   The Fujiiryoki Calm Plus Massage Chair is the latest in the Fujiiryoki Massage Chair line. It boasts zero gravity tech and 12 different massage courses.

   Nothing will impress your wife more than the latest Fujiiryoki technology, and at the price of $3,699, it’s practically a steal!

   ---

   Author’s Note:
   
   My wife did not appreciate the Fujiiryoki Calm Plus Massage Chair and called it a "wreckless expense.“ She said she was thankful we didn’t get a pre-nup because "all [my] stuff sucks and there’s nothing good to get from [me] anyway."
   
   And, for what it’s worth, the $3,699 price wasn’t as much of a steal as I thought it would be. You definitely feel it.

   ---

2. CurrentBody Skin LED Light Therapy Face Mask ($469)

   

   Skin care is important and CurrentBody offers the top of the line in skin care technology.
   
   With the LED light mask promoting anti-aging skin renewal, it’ll take just a few uses before you look like you did the day you met your wife!

   ---

   Author’s Note:
   
   My ex-wife bullied me the most I’d been bullied since middle school. She made fun of the way I looked in this mask, saying, "You look like an asthmatic Transformer.“
   
   I reminded her of the benefits of the anti-aging skin renewal features and she said, "You’ve looked perpetually 48 since the day I met you- oh I gotta go, Caleb’s here.“
   
   Caleb? As in Caleb my mancala coach? Fuuuuuuck.

   ---

3. Samsung Freestyle Projector ($600)

   

   The Samsung Freestyle projector is a full HD mini projector that caters to your life, no matter how flexible.
   
   Want to plan a romantic movie night in the backyard? No problem! The Samsung Freestyle projector will have your loved one begging you for a night in watching movies and relaxing.

   ---

   Author’s Note:
   
   My wife said no to the movie night. She’s out to a movie with Caleb and "maybe some others."

   ---

4. Apple Watch Series 10 ($399)

   

   When it comes to new tech, there’s no better feel than Apple. With the Apple Watch Series 10, Apple has raised the bar once again with a more accurate sleep tracking system and heart rate statistics.
   
   You and your loved one can even share workouts and motivate each other through it all.

   ---

   Author’s Note:
   
   My wife agreed to be friends with me on Apple Watch. According to her stats, she completed a 25-minute workout after the movie with Caleb.
   
   Probably wanted to just get a little movement after sitting that long.

   
   Probably was just restless.
   
   Fuuuuck.

   ---

A local teen boy by the name of Connor is playing the long game; biding his time until early 2024 when he will finally be able to jack off using Apple's Vision Pro headset.

As soon as the headset was announced Connor was pleased to hear his father say, "That looks pretty neat. We'll have to check that out." Connor's parents have plans of using the headset to attend work calls via Zoom; his sister plans to use the headset to watch Disney+ in an all new immersive fashion; Connor plans to virtually project a stepmom MILF having a leg-shaking orgasm in his living room.

The word at Connor's school is that the Apple Vision Pro headset will provide the most technologically advanced method of jerking off to date. Every boy in school was foaming at the mouth, talking about the OLED display featuring over 23 million pixels and the ambient spatial audio.

While young, teen boys are excited about this game changing technology, they will have to wait a while until the product hits the shelf. The Apple Vision Pro releases in early 2024, at which point upper middle class fathers can purchase the product and burden their sons with a grueling porn addiction.

Brian Shaw, a 43-year-old man from Iowa, was reported missing when he didn't show up to work for three days. Coworkers attempted to contact the man and heard nothing. That's when they reported Shaw as a missing person to the police.

The Davenport Police Department searched the man's house and found him huddled in a corner, wearing a VR headset. When asked for comment, Shaw explained his situation:

"I decided to try a new open-world VR game. I was wandering the mountainous terrain, searching for the sacred talisman for what seemed like hours.

It wasn't until the sun started to set that I realized I had no idea where I was. I knew I was within twenty miles of the Mountains of Belshoy, but that trek would have to wait for the next day. I saw a nearby cave and decided to make camp there for the night.

I made a fire out of the dry brush of the mountains, using my Ashoy steel dagger, which I acquired from my previous quest, to ignite the spark. That would be my home for three days and three nights, until my VR headset ran out of battery."

When asked why Shaw did not simply quit the game and remove his headset, he corrected me and said, "It's not a game, it's an immersive experience."