Life moves fast and sometimes you can’t keep up with all the news. Well, here’s a new series that should help: The Weekend in Quotes.

We’ll give you a quote and then tell you who said it, and how it connects to one of the weekend’s top stories.

“That was electric! You guys want to go get some drinks?”

This quote is from…

President Trump after Charlie Kirk’s funeral service.

The mood of the service was somber, but don’t tell that to President Trump! He was the headliner of the event and put on a show for the ages at a sold out State Farm Stadium. After a performance that electric, you can’t blame the guy for wanting to keep the party going.

I mean, could you temper this vibe?

“Honey, I can’t take the kids to school tomorrow. I’ve got somewhere to be.”

This quote is from…

The guy who was first in line to buy the iPhone 17.

Check this guy out:

The orange shirt and orange shoes? Like the modern day Babe Ruth calling his shot. He pre-ordered his orange phone, went to the store, got his orange fit, and arranged for the kids to be taken to school. You have to hand it to him - he knows he’ll have to make sacrifices to go viral, and he meets the moment.

“Pink slips are transferred, the Rover is booked. I think we’re all set!”

This quote is from…

A Christian TikToker preparing for Tuesday’s rapture.

Yes, according to a subset of Christians on TikTok, a rapture is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday. The group has been enthusiastically closing up shop, and shutting down various aspects of their lives in preparation for Tuesday’s rapture. This includes the following (now deleted) TikTok in which a mother prepares for her departure by saying goodbye to her toddler:

…which begs the question: where is that toddler going if not with you?!

“Ah shit, I forgot to sing.”

Harry Styles after running a marathon.

The pop-star attempted to do the cardio-intensive style of training where one sings while running. The method has been used by Taylor Swift, Lorde, and many others to increase stamina in preparation for upcoming tours. However, Styles got to the end of his marathon and realized he forgot the singing part. Guess he’ll have to sign up for another one.

“They really oughta lower the age requirement to collect Social Security.”

This quote is from…

Clayton Kershaw after he announced his retirement.

Looks like retiring at age 37 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it, Clayton? If only you could get a slice of those sweet, sweet retirement benefits, but alas, you gotta wait another 25 years. Looks like maybe someone chose the wrong line of work.

And those were the quotes from the weekend’s top stories!

Did we forget anything?

If you think we forgot a major story from this past weekend, don’t tell us! This thing is published and there’s no turning back now!

The economy is difficult to understand. Not for me, of course, but for most people.

What is most important: a rise in the stock market, or the value of the U.S. dollar?

Does consumer spending mean more to a healthy economy than inflation?

And why did my Advil guy raise his prices?

There are so many economic metrics to worry about and it can be overwhelming and confusing (again, not for me, but probably for others).

Well, get ready, because there’s been an important update to an age old economic metric:

A bird in the hand is now worth three in the bush!

The update comes from the White House during a press briefing:

As an economic strategist, I’m hesitant to suggest this is the most important economic indicator, however, a bird in the hand has never been worth more than two in the bush, so we’re in unprecedented territory.

Keep your eyes on the bush.

Jeff Bezos got married to Lauren Sanchez this past weekend with a $50 million dollar wedding in Venice, Italy.

The A-list wedding was spectacular, but hit a bit of snag when Bezos decided to start opening wedding gifts in front of guests.

While opening wedding gifts traditionally doesn’t happen at the wedding reception, Bezos was antsy all night, and was caught a few times looking past his new bride at the gifts while muttering, “I want to see what I got.”

As Bezos began to open his gifts, it became apparent he had to fake enthusiasm for any Amazon branded gift he received.

One source at the wedding described the scene as awkward and said Bezos’ face often betrayed him:

“He opened this Amazon Basics blender and his face dropped, but then he realized how bad it looked so he put on a weird smile and said, ‘No way! Amazon stuff! That’s so thoughtful !’ and then he looked at Lauren and rolled his eyes.”

Another source described the moment Bezos opened an Amazon Fire TV:

“He initially said, ‘Yes! These TVs are the best! ’ but then immediately turned to Lauren and said ‘We’re gonna have to jailbreak this.”

After the gift opening portion of the reception, one guest said that on more than one occasion, Bezos was heard bragging about how he “could access all the gift receipts on the backend,” implying his intent to return all Amazon Basics he received.

Despite Bezos’ attitude conveying his disdain for Amazon Basics and his lust for material items, he closed the night out with a sweet toast:

“Life isn’t about money, it’s about moments.”

This is the Weekend Roundup.

Trump Admin Has No Estimate for Army Parade Crowd Size; Turnout So Small, They Have Exact Count

President Trump hosted the military this weekend for a parade to mark the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army.

While the administration initially thought they would have an estimate of the size of the crowd, the turnout was so underwhelming, they were able to get an exact headcount.

An anonymous source within the administration said the final tally was, “somewhere between 4 million and 13,529.”

Clayton Kershaw Tosses a Gem While Fighting Off Thoughts of Hot, Gay Sex

Dodgers pitcher, Clayton Kershaw, was on the mound Friday night, which also happened to be the Dodgers’ Pride Night.

Kershaw wore the team’s pride hat, but wrote a Bible verse on the cap in Sharpie to, as he phrased it, “ward off thoughts of hot, gay sex.”

The southpaw tossed a gem, throwing 7 innings and allowing 0 runs.

Fathers Day Comes to a Close As Members of Congress Sell Off Shares of Omaha Steaks

The market is always an indicator of what’s going on in the world and on Sunday, dozens of Senators and Representatives began selling off shares of Omaha Steaks.

Sunday was Father’s Day of course, and if you somehow missed your opportunity to make money off steaks, you’ll have to wait until next year.

Surprised by the profit she made off of steaks, Marjorie Taylor Green said she intends to create a competitor to Omaha Steaks called “Bleach Blonde, Bad-Built Butchery.”

Success of How to Train Your Dragon, and Lilo & Stitch, Proves Wunderkind Exec’s “Now Do This One” Strategy Correct

After years of working his way up the assistant ladder, one new Hollywood Executive is taking the town by storm.

His brash, forward thinking “now do this one” approach has been heavily scrutinized, while he maintains the well will never run dry.

“I spend weeks going through the studio’s animated filmography, and when I find the right one, I pitch it: now do this one.”

But some in the industry are critical of this approach:

“When someone accuses me of being redundant, I often respond, “What’s your favorite animated movie?” and then I immediately go and pitch a live action version of that movie.”

The election of Pope Leo XIV occurred on Thursday morning, making him the first American Pope.

Pope Leo brings many similar ideas as his predecessor, but his background as an American is what makes him unique.

Here are a few examples we’ve seen already that demonstrate the American touch Pope Leo intends to bring to the papacy:

King-Size Communion Wafers

Americans do it big and for too long the body of Christ has been small as hell!

It may feed your spirit, but it’s not feeding your stomach!

Super size it!

Vatican City Sports Teams

Pope Leo grew up in Chicago and surely experienced the magic of the 1985 Chicago Bears.

Watching a team excel to that degree never to return to glory again leaves a sports-sized hole in one’s soul.

Unfortunately, no proximity to God can help the Chicago Bears, so Pope Leo has to pivot.

Now that Pope Leo has domain of Vatican City, he plans to bring a new American football team to the city.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Vatican City Smoke!

After every game, keep an eye on the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. If you see neon green smoke rise from the chimney, the VC Smoke won!

Margaritaville in Vatican City

Vatican City is cool and all, but it’s a little stuffy.

These guys need to loosen up! Bring in the Margaritaville!

This new location will be a four-story beauty right behind the Vatican.

Tourists and Cardinals alike can unwind with the serene aesthetic of Key West, Florida, and the smooth sounds of Jimmy Buffet.

Wine? Never heard of her. Get some Bahama Mama’s for the table!

MARGARITAVILLE BONUS: If you "mess up" the path to forgiveness is only a few steps away as a pedestrian bridge on the third level of the Margaritaville provides direct access to the Vatican!

We often focus on politics, entertainment, and sports here at ASS News and, therefore, have our blind spots.

One of our blind spots is news pertinent to the unemployed nephew demographic, but today that changes with a bit of news they may find devastating:

Grand Theft Auto VI has been delayed to 2026.

The yet to be released video game is infamous for its late arrival since it was originally announced in 2022 and initially set to be released in 2025.

While it’s a setback for the group, the extra year does allow the nephews to save up more money for DLCs and, perhaps, the collector’s edition of the game.

Silver linings!

In other unemployed nephew news:

• Experts believe 100 men could, in fact, take down 1 gorilla.

• McDonald’s is offering a new menu item, McCrispy Strips, starting May 5th.

• Marvel’s Thunderbolts* is in theaters now!
  Note: Be cautious of spoilers online until you’ve seen the movie.

• The new Crematory album, Destination, is out now and leans more into their melodic death metal sound.

After the passing of Pope Francis on Monday, many Catholics are now waiting in anticipation for the selection of a new Pope.

The election process typically starts 15-20 days after the passing of a Pope and the process itself could take weeks.

While many of us ‘alive human beings’ have the luxury of waiting that election process out, there are a group of souls who don’t have that luxury: those waiting in Purgatory.

Sources say Purgatory is currently “hella packed” and is “standing room only,” due to there being no Pope to grant indulgences.

When asked for comment, one of the administrative workers in Purgatory said, “We’re not running out of room. We’re just kindly asking those here to stand so we can make space for others since we’re a bit backed up on the paperwork side of things.”

While the admin workers reassured us of the calm, orderly state of Purgatory, the poor, holy souls said it was anything but:

“No, it’s chaos down here. Or up here? I don’t know.

There’s even some confusion as to where we are.

Some guy keeps saying ‘we’re fine - this is Heaven,’ and it’s like, you really think Heaven would have Hulu with ads? Trust me brother, if we’re seeing the ads, we’re not in Heaven.”

Of course, once a new Pope is selected, operations will resume as normal and indulgences will be granted, clearing up space in Purgatory.

The admin worker we spoke to said they’re excited about operations resuming, and they’re looking forward to continuing renovation projects they had to place on hold:

“We were almost done with the Lemonade when this all happened, so we’re excited to get that going again. Finally getting a Lemonade.”

The stock market has been in a spiral since President Trump announced “reciprocal tariffs” on nearly every country last week, but does a stock market crash always translate to a recession?

Not quite.

However, there are other signs beginning to emerge that experts warn could signal a looming recession:

1) Nancy Pelosi Stock Portfolio Only Includes Cereal Companies

Pelosi’s portfolio is notorious for being ahead of the curve. If she’s divested of everything except General Mills & Post Holdings, well then I guess the great oracle sees us only eating cereal in the near future. Not good!

2) You Keep Overhearing People Whisper, “I Can Fix This” To Their Families

At Walgreens, at Home Depot, at Red Lobster, you keep hearing grown men and women frantically whisper to their families, “I can fix this.”

What are so many needing to fix?! Not good!!

3) Men Removing “Fiscally Conservative” From Dating Bio

For far too long, stealth Republicans have tried to fly under the radar on dating apps by claiming they are “socially liberal/fiscally conservative.” Not anymore!

Due to the tanking of the stock market, “fiscally conservative” is now perceived to be inept and Repubs have started to delete it from their bio.

Repubs not proud of being Repubs?! Not a good sign for the economy!!!

4) My Chemical Romance Touring ‘The Black Parade’ Album

Correlation is not causation, okay?

But the only time the band My Chemical Romance has toured the album ‘The Black Parade’ was initially from 2007-2008 and then again in 2025. Uh oh!

Don’t freak out! IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT! But it is worth keeping an eye on. This world works in weird ways and patterns should be recognized is all.

However… not a great pattern!!!

5) Starbucks is Now Running BOGO Tax Free Deals

Starbucks used to run “Buy One Get One Free” deals.
Awesome!

Then they scaled down to “Buy One Get One 50% Off.”
Okay…

Now they’re doing “Buy One Get One Tax Free” deals where you buy one drink at regular price and then get a second drink at regular price minus the tax.
Minus the tax? Is there even tax on Starbucks?!
HUH?!

Really bad deal, Starbucks! Not good!!!!

The party famous for laughing in the face of ecological efforts has quickly turned into the party of “eco-friendly.”

Suddenly, every guest and talking head on Fox News is taking the lead on forest management and other fire related environmental and climate issues.

Where did this all come from?

One report shows that it’s all coming from SmokeyBear.com.

The report shares that many Fox News guests have been spotted frantically skimming the site just before going live.

If that’s the case, it would explain why Caitlyn Jenner and Mel Gibson keep ending every appearance with, “And one last thing - only you can prevent forest fires.”

The report also claims that many Fox News guests can’t hold themselves back from sharing bits about the Smokey Bear character lore.

James Woods was overheard talking about how, “the bear’s name is actually Smokey Bear, not Smokey the Bear. A common misconception due to a popular song.” He continues giving factoids until he’s called to go on air.

The Fox News guest’s obsession has even driven them to make fanfic of Smokey Bear. In one story written by Mel Gibson & Jesse Waters, Smokey Bear fights off the evil Navin Gewsom and moves his base of operations to Texas.

For 6 days now, the New York Police Department has been on the hunt for the suspect who shot and killed the CEO of UnitedHealthcare.

Little was known about the illusive suspect, but today the N.Y.P.D. is reporting they apprehended a person of interest and he’s not exactly who they were expecting.

After arresting the person of interest, the N.Y.P.D. is revealing they were shocked to find the suspect not wearing his signature green jacket.

All photo evidence pointed to the suspect wearing a green jacket, so the N.Y.P.D. was stunned to find suspect, Luigi Mangione, wearing other clothes.

The official statement from the N.Y.P.D. reads:

"Contrary to previous photo evidence, it is now apparent that the suspect changed out of his green jacket.

We appreciate the civilian who tipped us off for their keen eye, because we frankly did not have a short or long sleeved shirts on our radar.

We can only go off the data and evidence we receive, so we were zeroed in on a green jacket - likely of the Levi’s or Kirkland variety."

The civilian who submitted the tip said it was the suspect’s eyebrows that raised their antenna, saying, "Those fuckers were threaded to death and sharp. I knew I’d seen them somewhere before."

When asked about their initial reaction to recognizing the suspect, the civilian said, "The N.Y.P.D. offered a $60,000 reward for info, so I did consider sitting on this for a couple days to see if the pot would get bigger."

However, the civilian spotted the suspect at a McDonalds, where $60,000 makes you a god, and ultimately decided to call it in.

The suspect is currently under arrest and under investigation.

After a flurry of selections for his cabinet this week, President-elect Donald Trump has revealed one more nomination.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of the infamous FTX cryptocurrency exchange, has been selected to lead the Department of the Treasury Secretary in the role of Secretary. Should he be confirmed by the Senate, Bankman-Fried will become the first cabinet member to operate their department from prison.

In 2024, Bankman-Fried was convicted of stealing billions of dollars from FTX customers, which is ultimately what caught the eye of Donald Trump.

Trump was apparently smitten by Bankman-Fried’s "big, big brain" and the way he was able to "take advantage of his situation."

This nomination comes late in the week as Trump was allegedly choosing between Bankman-Fried and Billy McFarland, co-founder of Fyre Festival.

Other nominations rumored to be announced soon include:

• Pat Sajak to lead what’s left of the Department of Education due to his experience “in the alphabet.”

• Charlie Kirk & Ben Shapiro to co-lead the newly founded Department of Debating College Students, which will aim to deploy tens of fast-talking men with access to E-Z Up canopies to campuses across the country.

• Daniel Plainview to lead the Department of Energy due to his experience in oil. Should he be confirmed, Plainview would become the first fictional character to hold a government position.

None of the above nominations are likely to pass through the Senate until President-elect Trump sends a veiled threat via social media.

In January, Donald Trump will shuffle into the White House with grand plans of enacting his Day 1 agenda, which includes pardoning January 6th offenders, and reversing Biden’s equity efforts.

But Trump isn’t the only one with bad ideas. ASS News can report that JD Vance has added "Acquire New Couches" to the administration’s Day 1 agenda.

In the wee hours of November 5th when it started to look promising for the Trump campaign, Vance began asking various members of the Trump team about "the make and models" of the existing White House couches.

When he was met with an answer he did not like, he would feverishly pull out his phone and say, "Replace it with-" and then would recite the SKU of a couch he preferred. Once the list was substantial enough, Vance convinced Trump to add the project to the Day 1 agenda.

Vance had a few more couch related items he wanted to add, but recognizing the severity of the asks, he moved them from the Day 1 agenda to Project 2025. The items included "Tightening Couch Cushions" and "Avoiding Tariffs That Would Affect ‘Couch Parts.’"

AMC Theaters hit gold last month when they released a Dune-themed popcorn bucket that some theater-goers thought looked "fuckable enough." Sales skyrocketed as everyone wanted in on what AMC's CEO deemed "the fuck-bucket."

Then Disney got in on the fun, announcing that there will be a similarly crude popcorn bucket for their upcoming film, "Deadpool & Wolverine."

Noticing the trend in the market, AMC Theaters has announced that they will soon pivot to ensuring all of their popcorn buckets are sex toys.

AMC's CEO stated, "If people want to have sex with our popcorn buckets, why even pretend anymore? So we're just cutting to the chase and serving our popcorn out of fleshlights and whatnot."

The members of House of Representatives have had enough.

TikTok, the short-form video hosting platform and social media app, was made available in the United States in early January 2018. Since its release, death by Communism and firearms combined have surpassed 260,000 in the United States. Whether those deaths can be attributed to meme videos created by teens, videos of adults mixing water with syrup, or an entirely different, third thing, no one can say.

What has been made clear is that a potential threat is more terrifying than an established threat. The House of Representatives released a joint statement, showcasing their admirable bipartisanship:

Mitch McConnell froze again this week.

It's the second time in a matter of months the Senate Minority Leader rested his jowls and entered rest-mode while in the middle of a press conference.

Many fellow senators are concerned and a small batch of senators believed McConnell was merely "showing off his filibustering skills." According to one anonymous senator, the Senate Minority Leader is famous for showing off his filibustering tactics:

"If you catch him in the hallways, or restroom, or whatnot, he's known to say something like, 'Hey fellas: wanna see me go?' and he'll proceed show you a myriad of obstruction tactics he could use to filibuster.

He once went on for 30 minutes talking about each circle of Hell and the demons that occupy them: the demon's personalities, their looks, and what he rates them out of 10. So, that to say, when he went quiet at the press conference, I truly believed he was just teasing a new trick."

However, that was not the case. Mitch McConnell froze because he is old and the Senate has responded with their solution: the "Old Yeller" method. The Senate held a vote just before the weekend and they voted 80-to-19 in favor to "Old Yeller" Mitch McConnell. The date has yet to be determined.

Reactions from fellow politicians are pouring in. Most recently, a regretful President Biden stated, "He's the best man I've ever known."

The scene was tense on Thursday as TikTok CEO, Shou Zi Chew, testified before US lawmakers. Their main point of concern? To safeguard American privacy and to protect children from online harms.

The hearing began with the House Energy and Commerce Committee asking standard questions like, "Are you a spy?" and "Are you a Communist spy?" However, the line of questioning quickly turned from general privacy to troubleshooting tips and tricks.

Richard Hudson, a Republican representative from North Carolina asked, "does TikTok access the home WiFi network?" Confused by the question, Chew responded, "Only if the user turns on the WiFi." Elated with Chew's understanding of the subject matter, members of the committee began barraging Chew with questions about their own, home WiFi networks.

The lawmakers' curiosity turned to desperation as they started pleading to Chew, begging for their WiFi passwords. The WiFi related discussion carried on for 85 minutes until a lunch break was mercifully given. When the group reconvened after the break, they began asking Chew questions about streaming services and made many jokes about "the cloud," which they all seemed to enjoy.

No progress was made on the matter of online privacy.

BREAKING: Veronica, of "Veronica's Insurance," is not the woman, but the dog! This duo seen on billboards and busses recently revealed this information on TikTok live.

Discussing their origins on the live stream, Veronica the dog displayed how she communicates and does business: talk buttons.

Each vibrantly colored button is connected to a word or phrase and Veronica will step on the button of the word or phrase she wants to use. The duo shared a visual of one section of the talk board Veronica uses to do business.

At the end of the live stream, it was revealed that the woman, previously thought to be Veronica, is actually named Champ.

BREAKING - Hot off the heels of the 2023 CES convention, Elon Musk recently announced that his Tesla Hyperloop will add railway tracks to improve efficiency.

The CEO-comedian unveiled the plan after leaving the Vegas trade show, stating:

"You know, with the Las Vegas Hyperloop, I started with the idea of building underground tunnels for cars to travel through. I'm now taking that innovative idea a step further and doing something that has never been done before: I'm placing Tesla cars on a track."

Musk claims that once on tracks, Tesla cars will be able to reach a speed of 287 mph - exactly 1 mph faster than the fastest train in the world. The new Hyperloop feature will raise the price of a daily pass from $4.50 to $69.69, a price point that puts Musk's sublime humor on display. The pass can be purchased with the United States Dollar or with Dogecoin, the cryptocurrency coin Musk has championed which puts his sublime humor on display.

The plan to implement the railway tracks are tentatively scheduled for April 20th, 2024, a date that puts Musk's sublime humor on display.