EXCLUSIVE - In an internal memo distributed this morning, Taylor Farms has informed employees they are banning congratulatory ass slaps.

An anonymous insider tells us that ass slaps are a part of company culture at Taylor Farms and a customary gesture to show support and appreciation. According to this recent memo, however, that piece of company culture will soon be lost to history.

The memo from CEO Bruce Taylor says that while the company “maintains that Taylor Farms is not the source of the cyclospora outbreak, it’s probably best [they] move to a more hygienic congratulatory gesture.”

The CEO then calls for all employees to stop administering congratulatory ass slaps, and instead consider giving a co-worker “a handshake or a cash tip” to show your support.

The memo can be read in full below:

Employees of Taylor Farms have mixed reactions, and understandably so; this is their company culture.

In response to the memo, some employees gave their comment under the guise of anonymity:

We should note that one employee provided a comment that said, “This is too woke even for me.” However, once we told the employee the comment was anonymous and therefore people wouldn’t be able to contextualize who “me” was, they told us to “just trash it.”

Taylor Farms maintains they are not the source of this cyclospora outbreak and continues to search for others to blame.

Well, all hope is not lost yet as a new format, comparable to IMAX 70mm, was just announced.

The new film format designed by Nolan is called Kurt-Vision, and it presents the film in the same, beautifully crafted 1:43:1 aspect ratio as the IMAX 70mm print, but with one distinct twist: an original, animated character named Kurt hangs out in the bottom-right corner of the screen for the duration of the film.

The original character was created by Nolan himself and seemingly tags along with Odysseus and crew throughout their journey, all from his fixed position in the bottom-right corner of the screen.

Sporting his signature backpack and snacks for the trek, Kurt is ready to fight any battle and endure any tests thrown his way by the gods… as long as he’s not hungry.

Reactions began pouring in after an early preview showing of The Odyssey in Kurt-Vision:

So, fancy yourself a cinephile?

Not unless you’ve seen The Odyssey in Kurt-Vision. Get your tickets now.

The U.S. Senate is taking the lead in evolving remote work by implementing a new “work-from-deathbed” policy.

The fresh take on the ordinary work-from-home policy allows members of the U.S. Senate to work and hold office from their hospital beds so they can stay in power even as they’re running out of it.

The policy stipulates that while working from said deathbed, a sitting U.S. Senator “is not responsible for disclosing his or her state as it pertains to being alive.”

This specific clause in the policy is stirring up controversy as some members of Congress argue that constituents deserve to know whether or not their representatives are alive, while other members argue that the disclosure of such information complicates an already difficult work-life balance.

“It’s a slippery slope,” said one anonymous Senator from his hospital bed. “If you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. Right now it’s ’Are you alive?’ but what will they want to know next? My lunch order? My home address? I mean, good grief.”

Since the controversial policy has gone into effect, some members of the Senate are working on broadening the rule even further to allow U.S. Senators to continue their work in the form of angels and demons, asking the question, “are spiritual beings not also technically alive?”

The Senate will make their decision upon their return from holiday.

Always the riddler, Taylor Swift has started to tease her new album by hiding clues in her wedding vows to Travis Kelce.

Littered with rhyme, Swift’s vows contain phrasing that may sound odd to a commoner, but to Swift’s fans who are familiar with her sphinx-like games, they will quickly realize she’s speaking to them in code.

One line from her vows stating “I love you so much and everyone will see that on November 13th,” could be alluding to the album’s release date, while another line saying, “With you, my heart will no longer ache, and this fall, I’ll do one more than Drake,” has Swifties speculating a quadruple (!) album drop.

While wedding guests were the first to parse through Swift’s hints and clues, the newlywed is expected to post her written vows on her social media in the coming days. Only then can fans really dig in and get their arms around the secret code that is capitalized letters.

Until then, Swifties will be happy to hear the couple has found another fun way to include fans in their special day. Those who have signed up to receive updates via Taylor Swift’s website can expect to receive an email invite to participate in an exclusive, virtual Money Dance where they can celebrate the happy couple by sending money via credit card, Apple Pay or Klarna.

You’ve heard of skin-to-skin, but on this Fourth of July, it’s all about needle-to-skin.

To commemorate America’s 250th birthday, hospitals around the country will issue commemorative “America 250™” tattoos to babies born on the Fourth of July.

Although these babies will not be able to comprehend the cosmic blessing of being born on such a patriotic day, they will forever have the limited-edition ink to remind them.

While some parents are concerned about the health risks associated with tattooing their newborn, HHS Secretary RFK Jr. says there may be health benefits to tattooing your baby:“The needles used on these babies will be properly sterilized with a special solution containing peptides such as BPC-157 and ipamorelin among others. So, not only is this tattoo a great commemorative gift, but I would argue it’s important your baby gets this tattoo if not for the peptides alone.”

The tattoo will only be issued to babies born between 12:00AM and 11:59PM on July 4, 2026 and due to a legal trademark filed by the America 250 organization, must include the ™ symbol.

When area straight-man Wiley Jennings thought about how he wanted to spend his Pride Month, he concocted an idea only a true ally could think up: he would do conversion therapy the other way, going from straight to gay.

Jennings spent the better part of the month as a gay man, but with Pride Month coming to a close, he decided to return to his life with his wife and kids. Now, he’s opening up for the first time and talking to ASS News about his experience.

Welcome back, Wiley! How was your Pride Month?

“It was fantastic! I was gay! It was a busy time; there was lots to do and see, but it was fun.”

And when did you get back?

“I converted back to straight on Sunday night around 9:00. Just in time for Tracker on CBS.”

What was your trip like going there? To gay.

“The conversion from straight to gay was eerily similar to that scene in Space Jam where Michael Jordan gets sucked into the golf hole except, instead of ending up in Tune World, I was dropped into a Barry’s.”

How was your time as gay? What did you do?

“Well first of all, credit to my place of work for granting me the full three weeks of PTO I requested. It allowed me to fully immerse myself as gay.

During my time, I did so many things I’ve never done as a straight man such as consecutive hours of watching music videos and sex with a man.”

Oh wow, how was the sex?

“Well, as I sit here now, talking to you, I am straight. So I can’t say I rate it too high.

However, when I was in that moment, I was a gay man and it was fucking euphoric.

But, now that I’m straight again? It was whatever. I could take it or leave it, but probably leaning towards leaving it.”

And did you happen to fall for anyone?

“I… I-“

OooOOOooo, you’re blushing!!

“Look, life as a gay man isn’t all about sex, and you’re reinforcing a negative stereotype by asking me about sex first-”

Tell me! Tell me! Was it a crush or love?!

“I don’t know if I would call it love but the feelings I had for that man were intense.

Again, as I sit here as a straight man, I feel strictly platonic feelings for that man and I wish him well.

However, when I was gay, he was everything. He was the Earth and I was the Moon; revolving around his very being. He was the air that sustained my lungs; the life that filled my soul.

But, now that I’m straight again, I love my wife.”

Well, Wiley, I’m glad you had a good Pride Month and welcome back to being straight.

“Thank you and I look forward to my trip next year.”

Move over Epstein files! There’s a new political scandal in town!

The husband of recently fired Homeland Security secretary Kristi Noem was outed (?) as taking part in something called "bimbofication," where he would dress up as a busty woman and message other busty woman things like, "How are your boobs… would you go bigger?"

Kristi Noem said she was "devastated" and "asks for privacy and prayers" during this time.

Devastated? Prayers?!

What are people gonna to do, pray the J’s away? This guy’s gotta a fetish where all he wants to do is wear big, fake boobies and we’re acting like he’s a murderer?

Grow up.

And before you defend him and say "all men are dogs," please remember that’ll only want to make Noem take him to a farm upstate. Our rhetoric matters on this one.

Question: Does Trump think he’s going to hell?

This week is both Holy Week and Spring Break, so young people flocking to Mexico for two very different reasons.

The week is all about partying and praying, and if there’s one individual who seemingly lives right in the middle of that Venn diagram, it’s President Donald J. Trump.

But while President Trump has always been a known playboy and socialite, his religious side is relatively new.

When he came out as religious pre-2016 election, he routinely threw out lines that didn’t pass the smell test:

• “People are so shocked when they find… out I am Protestant.“ (July 2015)

• “I am not sure I have [ever asked God for forgiveness].“ (July 2015)

• “When I drink my little wine and have my little cracker…” (July 2015)

• “Two Corinthians 3:17, that’s the whole ballgame.“ (January 2016)

It was like the scene in Inglorious Bastards where the spy accidentally holds up three fingers the British way instead of the German way, blowing his cover.

But who are we to judge someone’s faith? Those statements alone are not at all indicative of whether someone is going to hell. That’s ridiculous… but then a few months before the election, Trump said this:

• “I figure [the Presidency] is probably, maybe the only way I’m going to get to heaven." (August 2016)

Huh?? This is the part of his campaign where, if it were a job interview, the interviewer would ask, "Do you have any questions for us? Anything we should know about?" and he responded with, "If you don’t hire me, I might burn in hell."

Once he was elected in 2016, President Trump eased up on the salvation talk, but then once he almost got assassinated in 2024, he, a young, 78 year-old man, was forced to contemplate his own mortality and return to the age-old question: where do I go when I die?

That’s when he started firing off those heaven comments again:

• "I want to try and get to heaven, if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole." (August 2025)

• "I don't think there's anything that's going to get me into heaven. I think I'm not maybe heaven-bound… I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make heaven, but I've made life a lot better for a lot of people." (October 2025)

• "I really think I probably should make it. I mean, I'm not a perfect candidate, but I did a hell of a lot of good for perfect people." (February 2026)

• "I hope to make it, but I doubt I will, to be honest with you. A lot of you will. I’m not so sure." (February 2026)

However, after all of this, it should be noted that President Trump claims he’s just joking. Unfortunately, for him, his Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt seems to disagree, saying:

"I think the president [is] serious. I think the president wants to get to heaven."

So, what’s going on here? Does President Trump have any doubts about getting into heaven, or is he just joking?

Answer: Trump is confused and unsure of his eternal resting place.

I think President Trump has surrounded himself with outspoken religious people who each have at least one extreme religious belief, and he’s now theologically confused himself.

He thinks if he ends enough wars, that could get him into heaven… that’s Pete Hegseth influence.

He thinks if he does enough good for others, that could get him into heaven… that’s some atheist/Catholic hybrid theology. JD Vance.

So I think he’s just confused honestly. Which has no effect on where he ends up for all of eternity, but it is pretty funny. He surrounded himself with religious fanatics and now seems paranoid by the ideas they brought him.

Play pious games, get pious prizes.

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A local man experiencing one of the best days of his life stepped on a proverbial rake when he accidentally described watching his daughter be born as “Lynchian.”

Shortly after the birth of his healthy baby daughter, the man’s father-in-law put a camera in his face and asked, “So, dad, how was it?”

Having never seen a David Lynch film in his life, the new dad inexplicably and regrettably answered, “Lynchian?”

How the term “Lynchian” came into the man’s head, he was unsure. He wasn’t much of a cinephile, but apparently spends enough time on that corner of the internet to know the term.

When his wife asked what he meant by it, the man tried to course correct and mumbled some combination of “It was beautiful” and “sorry about that” before circling back to another film director reference: “It was more Hitchcockian than Lynchian… I was nervous.”

Remember this name: Jason Calhoun.

That’s the name of Bakersfield’s breakout adult rec league superstar. Calhoun has been playing in the Bakersfield Adult Recreational League (BARL) for 2 years now in the ‘30 & Over’ division. Although recently his play has shown league organizers he may be good enough to play with the big boys in the ‘40 & Over’ division; an accomplishment never before seen in BARL.

What was it exactly that caught the attention of the league organizers?

"I’ll say it was the arc of his pitch that caught my attention, but it was the gait of his run that convinced me to call him up to the ‘40 & Over’ division," said one league organizer. "Believe me when I say you’ve never seen a grown man run with his legs more close together. It’s the optimal gait. He’s able to fit more steps in a given time than anyone else."

As for Calhoun’s stats: 3 hits and 9 stolen bases over 10 games.

"Admittedly, his hitting numbers aren’t great, but once he gets on base… watchout."

EXCLUSIVE - A judge in the Tiger Woods DUI case has made it clear to Woods and his legal team that yelling "FORE!" just before flipping a car holds no legal bearing.

Woods pled not guilty to DUI charges, but claimed the reason is because he screamed "FORE!" before he lost control of the car. The golf icon even brought in a witness who claimed to "hear screams" preceding the noise of the car crash.

After the judge said the "fore" defense would not hold up in court, Woods’ lawyer presented a separate case as legal precedence: Air Bud v. Referee. "Does it say anywhere in the law that yelling ‘FORE’ does not absolve you of a DUI?" asked Woods’ lawyer.

The judge then explained Air Bud v. Referee is not a real legal case, and asked Woods and his team to leave the building.

The case is ongoing.

Welp.

Pack it up.

This season is wrapped.

The LA Dodgers are fresh of back-to-back World Series titles and acquired the top free agent in Kyle Tucker, and the top relief pitcher in free agency in Edwin Díaz.

I’m not sure vibes have ever been higher for a team beginning their season, so congratulations Dodgers fans! Enjoy your season! See you all next year!

Okay, now that they’re gone… fuuuuuuuck…… oh my goddddd. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of it. I want to win.

Okay, let me pick myself back up and let’s talk about the 4 ways the rest of us non-Dodgers fans can have fun this season:

1) The Grass

Oh wow! Look at the grass, guys! Look how green it is!

It’s been a long winter, so let’s appreciate how well kept that grass looks.

Take it in. Beautiful.

2) Cheap Eats

If there’s any upside to being a fan of a non-championship team, it’s that at least the food is cheaper.

What’s that? The food’s just as expensive?

Okay, well at least it’s quality food.

What’s that? The food tastes like it was sourced from a water park? And the caloric heft is designed to pause your heart?

Okay. Noted.

3) Name a Pet After a Player on Your Favorite Team

Adopt a pet and name it after one of the players on your favorite team.

It’s an easy way to invest long term into a player’s individual success, rather than the success of your subpar team.

The only way this can go sideways is if the pet dies, the player gets traded, or both the pet and the player are just absolute duds. So, consider that before trying this one.

4) Have Perspective

Um, we could literally die tomorrow. Have you thought about that? Do you know about this? Do you realize how silly that makes all of this? Like, who cares about any of this?!

Sure, it’s fun to watch a winning sports team, but like, again, a crazy person could break down your door right now and take you out with a katana. Everything’s on the table and this life is so precious.

Forget the MLB. Hug your loved ones.

EXCLUSIVE - Who is Bowser, really? A cultural icon as American as yakitori, Bowser has been in our lives for decades, but he’s only just recently showing sides of himself outside of his villain persona.

The last time ASS News sat down with Bowser, he became very defensive against claims of his son being a "nepo baby" and eventually walked out of the interview. So, when we reached out to discuss doing a profile ahead of the release of his new film, The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, Bowser agreed to speak under one condition: we do not bring up his son.

On the morning of the interview, we received a text from Bowser informing us he was to stop by Krispy Kreme doughnuts before arriving at our building and asked if we wanted anything. Though I’m not one for Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I didn’t want to start our interaction on the wrong foot so I took him up on his offer. "That’s very kind of you," I replied. "I’ll take one glazed original please."

Thirty minutes later when Bowser arrived at the office, he was holding a single maple bar. I did not want to inject unnecessary friction into our interview, so I did not ask about the doughnut, but there were clearly games being played by Bowser from the start.

Despite the doughnut-shaped elephant in the room, our conversation was flowing and there were the typical niceties you’d expect in a conversation between two acquaintances.

We discussed his work in the film, how proud he is of his performance and whether or not this might lead to future opportunities, but that’s where the interview took a turn:

ASS News:

“So you wouldn’t exactly turn down Dancing with the Stars-”

Bowser:

“Did you like my son’s performance in the film?”

ASS News:

“Um… yes, I did. I thought he was very good-"

Bowser:

“So he held his own, right? You don’t think he got the part just because he’s my son, right?"

Just like the doughnut mishap from earlier, Bowser was trying to get a reaction out of me. Prior to the interview, he requested his son be off limits, which now in hindsight I see was an attempt to catch us flat footed.

ASS News:

“I’m happy to talk about Bower Jr. if you’d like, I just thought-”

Bowser:

“You just thought. HA. That’s rich."

ASS News:

“Well, look, if you want to go there, the facts speak for themselves: Bowser Jr. would not have the opportunity afforded to him-"

Bowser:

“Oh, shut up! No one cares! He’s good at what he does! And if you thought we were going to sit down and have a nice conversation without me standing up for my son, you were sorely mistaken."

ASS News:

“Okay, I think this has reached its natural conclusion-"

Bowser:

“It’s ‘Original Glazed,’ by the way. Dumbass. Not ‘Glazed Original.’"

At this point, Bowser once again ripped off his mic and stormed out of the room.

While he is an icon and a villain, it’s clear the one role Bowser cares most about is father.

The Super Mario Galaxy Movie opens in theaters on April 1, 2026.

The biggest name in tuna is now the proprietary right of AI giant OpenAI after they officially acquired the rights to StarKist’s tuna mascot, Charlie the Tuna.

The deal comes after an agreement between OpenAI and Disney fell through last week, costing OpenAI a vast library of Disney characters. The AI tech company quickly rebounded with a 3.4 billion dollar deal to acquire the rights to prized fish character, Charlie the Tuna.

The character, familiar to grocery enthusiasts, will now be available for anyone with an OpenAI account to use as they please. When asked for comment, the CEO of OpenAI said, "We’re happy to be the home of the most beloved tuna mascot and believe this is a partnership that makes sense for both sides."

While the acquisition of Charlie the Tuna is a big move in itself, OpenAI users are wondering if they can expect other household names to be added to the OpenAI library soon. "No," said OpenAI’s CEO. "This is it for now."

California Governor Gavin Newsom has been on a spree of owning Republicans on Twitter.

Since adopting President Trump’s hard nosed approach to social media, the California governor has increased his Twitter likes, but at the cost of his support for the LGBTQ+ - a tradeoff the governor is comfortable with. The most recent Newsom slam saw the governor call Senator Lindsey Graham a "homo" for wearing Easter pastels.

The governor elaborated on his new approach:

"My son watches these YouTubers and streamers and says everyone his age thinks they’re cool, so I just say whatever they would say.

Would a streamer make a gay joke? Yes, they would, so why shouldn’t I, a sitting governor, also make a gay joke?

We need to engage the youth."

BREAKING - Conservative sleuth, Nick Shirley, has concluded another one of his quality investigations. After weeks of visiting the outside of a library, Shirley has discovered how to say a big word.

Known by some as "the Forrest Gump of young conservatives," Shirley has made a name for himself by becoming the first content creator to start every video with the word "uh."

In his latest investigation, Shirley worked tirelessly over three weeks to arrive at the correct way to say the word, "multisyllabic." When asked for comment, Shirley said, "It was lots of work, but now I know I do not like words that are multisyllabic."

To celebrate the conclusion of the investigation, Shirley will be awarded with wall-to-wall pre-recorded interviews on Fox News.

BREAKING - In an already packed field of Republicans and Democrats where only the top two candidates will make the ballot, four more Democrats have entered the race for governor.

We do not have the time to write a brief on all the candidates as there are simply too many. However, there is one candidate of note who appears to be a mannequin with facial hair. If true, that’s bad news for the Democrats as he’s polling third highest among Democrat candidates.

As for why Democrats keep joining the race? "Together, we can save this state from Republicans!" exclaimed one Democrat, seemingly unaware they are cannibalizing each other.

We then asked another candidate if they even understand how the primary race works. The candidate appeared to freeze up, almost caught off guard by the question. He remained silent for 16 minutes straight, and that was when we realized there is indeed a mannequin candidate.

After the Los Angeles Dodgers won back-to-back World Series Championships, MLB Team Owners have decided to take drastic measures by electing to simulate the 2026 MLB season.

The move seen in video games like MLB The Show, allows MLB teams and players to skip straight to the 2027 MLB lockout, where they plan to implement stricter financial rules in an effort to make a more level playing field across the league.

While almost every team voted in favor of the simulation, the repeating champs held out from the vote and claimed the league is already a level playing field, saying:

“We think the teams that don’t spend money are the biggest problem in the league, not the teams that do spend.

If you have money, you owe it to the fans to spend it now! Or, if not now, then in small chunks now and larger deferred chunks later. Either one works.

Even if there aren’t any decent free agents left, go watch Moneyball and figure it out.”

Some small market teams say they try their best to compete with the revenue and payroll they have, while others claim it’s just not enough. However, that doesn’t stop them from having hope:

“Honestly, we’re right there.

We’re just one multi-billion dollar broadcast rights deal away from being competitive.”

On the way home from the annual Halloween party, your husband said he had something to tell you.

Your mind went straight to "he’s ready to have kids" or "he got a promotion" but then he said it: when he wears his dog costume it’s the most comfortable he feels as an adult man.

Ruh roh.

What started as a fun night out with your husband, Mark, has turned into a quiet drive home with Mark’s fursona, Rocky.

Rocky breaks the silence to say, "You might start to see some pretty substantial charges to our account. Those are for upgrades to my Rocky suit. I’ll take care of those."

Two months ago he said kids would be hard to pull off financially, but now he’s putting $3,000 into his Rocky suit? Where is he getting all of this money?!

Then he says it: "I have more news to share. I got promoted to Senior Manager at Dunkin Donuts Corporate! I think we’ll have enough money now to try and have a family… a litter of our own."

After the passing of their grandmother, a local cousin revealed himself to be a fraud when he incorrectly stated, “she’s in a better place now.”

The a verbal misstep came in the wee hours of the morning when family members were exchanging stories about their grandmother.

While most of the stories naturally began with the clause “although” or “despite,” one cousin offered up a comforting thought free of caveats: “she’s in a better place now.”

The family members who knew grandma best shot a suspicious glance at one another, as if to say, “beware: that cousin is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

The reason for the family member’s skepticism was because there was a lot on the line. Their grandma was leaving behind a massive inheritance, after all, and everyone wanted to get a piece of it.

The inheritance accounted for:

• $100 million in oil money

• $50 million in blood diamonds

• $10 million in taxidermy of (now extinct) animals

• $5 million in stolen art

• $2 million in 1940’s Nazi memorabilia

• $1 million in 1930’s Nazi memorabilia

• $298 in NFTs

When the cousin realized he had slipped up by giving a warm, comforting thought about their grandma, he was quick to correct himself, saying, “I was clouded by grief and promise, I did in fact know Grandma was a piece of shit.”

Whether or not he was just covering his tracks, the other family members were, at the very least, comforted by the fact that they were now all in agreement: grandma was a piece of shit, but she was their piece of shit.

As early voting begins for New York City’s mayoral race, Andrew Cuomo finds himself polling behind new Democratic star, Zohran Mamdani.

Mamdani brings forth new ideas that inspire hope and change in New York City, but Cuomo is hoping he can persuade voters to his side by using a trusty, old technique called Islamophobia.

Cuomo has made various comments meant to stoke fear at the prospect of a city mayor who is of the Muslim faith1, but after none of it improved his own favorability among New Yorkers, Cuomo has turned to a last-ditch effort: sharing old videos of Jeff Dunham’s “Achmed the Dead Terrorist” character.

A quick glance at Cuomo’s profile on X reveals it to be littered with posts and reposts all about the 2007-era puppet, “Achmed the Dead Terrorist.”

When asked for comment, Cuomo said, “If I can just get Islamophobia back to mid-2000’s levels, temporarily, that would do wonders for me.

But time’s not on my side.”